Depression

  One thing I've discovered about depression: life goes on.
  While I try to stay off the couch and not sleep my life away and while I struggle to re-train myself on how to think, there's a world out there and it keeps going.

  On the down side, that only compounds my issues.  Now not only do I have my chores to keep up with, but I've got this disgusting depression to work through and kids and a husband to keep up with.
  People can only be understanding for so long.  This last time I struggled for a week--I can only imagine if I'm this tired of feeling down and like I'm not accomplishing much, how the other people in my life must feel.  Especially when the upkeep of my house reflects that.  It's got to be exhausting.  And frustrating.  And annoying.  And about a thousand other negative adjectives.

  On the positive side:  I have motivation to keep me going.  If life just stood still, or if no one depended on me, then why would I keep on?
  As it happens, I have a 3 year old to potty train, a 5 year old to help navigate life, a house to clean, a business to run and there's lots of fun to be had in life.

  I have been reminded how well my husband and I work together.  He's very understanding and helpful, but it seems that his patience runs out at the perfect time.  He and I had a great talk last week and it was really the kick in the booty that I needed to get up and get going.
  So, this week, while I'm feeling a bit more detached, I am at least accomplishing Lots!  If I can't feel *real* I'd much rather be able to keep up with my chores and duties in life than fall behind in that part of my life too.
  As I have learned over the years of dealing with dissociation, I will feel better eventually so I may as well keep truckin' on.


  ~Alexis

Insight

  We've been struggling with  A's SPD again.  It's gotten pretty severe.  There are foods she's cut out of her diet (which was pretty limited before), clothes she used to wear but won't anymore, we're having problems with her socks and shoes again, she's becoming less and less independent.
  So I started searching for answers.  Again.  About this time last year I read "What Your Explosive Child is Trying to Tell You" and it struck a nerve.  It was then that I realized that transitions were a Huge trigger for A.  From there, around the first of the year I stumbled upon Sensory Processing Disorder and things fell into place.  A's life made sense now that I had this understanding of what she seemed to be experiencing.
  Now I'm looking seriously into food sensitivities and how they may be affecting A's behaviors.

  Whew, it's hard for me to look at the casein-free diet and not start to panic!  My grocery budget is small.  Specialty foods are expensive.  What will be left for A to eat?  And there are loads of other concerns, questions, etc.

  There are many times when I think A would have been better off with other parents.  Me, really?  The queen of disorganization?  The antithesis of structure?  Yeah, ok--A and I make a great team [please read that with heavy sarcasm].
  However, I have been reminded over the past few days that God really knows what He's doing.
  I also had a bit of insight as to why he may have given me A (or given her me).

  You see, some people can understand things with one explanation.  For others the learning curve is a bit longer.  Others still, have to be beaten over the head repeatedly before some things really sink in.
  I'm pretty sure that the majority of the time I fall into the latter category.
  In this case I'm thinking I've been blessed with A in order to force me to see that I am not a selfish person.  I have accepted structure and rigid routine in order to make my daughter's life better.  Even though the idea of doing a casein-free diet for A makes my stomach twist into knots, I'm still going to give it my all in order to see if it will help A.
  My actions are not motivated by selfishness, but by a deep love for another human being.  And that feels good.
  So when I start to get down about all the changes I've had to make in my life and start to think "Really?  I 'get' to make even more changes after all I've already done?!" I can remind myself that God would not have blessed me with the beautiful daughter that I have if I couldn't handle her and make her life better!  I can also look at my daughter and have a constant reminder that I am not a selfish person, no matter what anyone says.

  ~Alexis

A Fine Line

  Today I had my second appointment with my new therapist.
  Let me start by saying that my attitude going into my first one with her a week ago was not one of excitement.  My favorite phrase was "You do Not mess with a depressed (or otherwise emotionally/mentally disturbed) person's therapist!"  However, due to some changes in insurance, I was forced to say good-bye to Deb--my favorite therapist thus far.
  Surprisingly enough, my first appointment with Jeanine was "ok," while I was a bit disappointed in the outcome of the session (as in, I felt worse than when I went in), I was not directing my annoyance toward Jeanine.  I was able to see that she is competent at her job and will suffice as replacement for Deb.
  I did make another appointment with Jeanine for today, and I wasn't sure I was going to keep it, but I did.  And, I say this grudgingly, I'm glad I did.
  We touched on something at the very end of the session that I think will be incredibly hard to deal with and work through, but I'm confident that I will be a happier person on the other side.  So, not only am I now going to group therapy next week (which I was ADAMANTLY against in the beginning), but I have a third appointment with her next Friday.
  That brings me to the title of my post.
  Thanks to Jeanine (and I say that with appreciation, not bitterness) I was able to see that perhaps I have a "core belief" that was instilled in me as a child and it's going to be a process to overcome it, but it is possible. As Jeanine put it, I am on a precipice.  Not one I'm going to fall off of in a depressed stupor, but one that I will be able to spread my wings and eventually fly away from.
  I have a suspicion I know what my negative (and for some, it's a positive one) core belief is, however, that will be material for another post.
  My focus for now is that it boils down to the way my mom cared for me.  Something I was conditioned to believe through implicit behaviors/actions on her part, as well as explicit words that were spoken.
  While I feel that I have truly forgiven Mom for the things that happened in my childhood, and harbor no more bitterness towards her, I was reminded that damage was done.  And, now I get to work hard to overcome all that garbage.
  On my drive home, I realized there is a fine line between blaming someone and making excuses for them.  It's called Acceptance.
  I found myself not wanting to blame Mom for the money and tears I am spending on fixing all this--that just makes room for bitterness to creep back in.  But then I started thinking "she couldn't help it" and that just irritated me. People used to say that to me all the time when I was growing up and it made me so mad!  She could help it if she wanted--there were doctors and therapists who could have helped her, but she never sought them out.  And there I went back to blaming her for the consequences of her actions/inaction.
  So, which end should I lean toward?  Which was "healthiest"?  Neither, of course.
  I realized I needed to accept the fact that yes, the things Mom said and did (or didn't do or say) affect me now.  And, while she could have done things different, she didn't--whether she couldn't or just wouldn't doesn't really matter.
  However, as I demonstrated above, that line called Acceptance that separates blame and excusing is a very thin one and will be easy to find myself trying to cross it as I work on this next step to bettering my mental health.
  Wish me luck!  I will be going to my appointments next week with mixed feelings: excitement, relief, and dread.
  I'm also happy to say that Jeanine will be a good addition to my support team.


  ~Alexis

A Dark Day

  Ok, so yesterday was not good.
  Two posts ago I mentioned a whole bunch of "stuff" that I've been dealing with and going through.  After this past weekend I've got some more things to add to that list.  As a result, my depression has been laying it on thick.  I've known I need to make a 6 month mental tune-up appointment with my therapist and I finally got the ball rolling on all that.  I have an appointment this Friday.  Let me tell ya, yesterday I was beginning to wonder if I was going to make it until today, let alone Friday!

  The good news: I made it to today and I feel better.  Whew!

  The kids have been sick.  I've been sick.  We've been off schedule.  A's had some SPD-related issues.  Our schedule has been pretty packed.  The last few days I've needed a break from being a mommy for a while.
  It caught up to me yesterday.
  Let's start with this side note: I went to be the night before at 8:30--I should have had plenty of sleep.  Monday morning I got up and got Hubby's lunch made and A off to school.  I came home and went back to sleep.  I slept Hard!  I had very vivid dreams and had a hard time getting up and collecting myself when Bug got up at 8:20!  I was feeling pretty scattered, but had planned to walk with my bestie and so Bug and I got ready and went.
  Usually walking helps wake me up and get going.  Not yesterday. I basically spent the remainder of the day dozing from one activity to another.  Bug watched some more TV and only when A got off the bus did I remember I had a parent/teacher conference with A's teacher at 4:15.
  Her teacher was lucky I didn't show up in my PJs with my hair all messy--I was able to muster the strength to pull it together and make myself presentable.  Barely.

  I was so tired, I could barely keep my eyes open.
  Yesterday I knew I was miserable.  Today I have a better perspective and realize how much worse it was than I realized.
  Thankfully I Rarely have days like that--but when I do, I'm not so sure I should drive or be responsible for anyone (myself included).

  Ok, so where's the silver lining?  I don't like to leave a post on a negative note, if I can help it.
  The positive:

• I have a great support system to lean and depend on when need be(which seems to be a lot, as of late).
• I made it to today!
• I feel better, not worse.
• I was able to enjoy time with Bug today playing Superheroes, trains and exploring the basement.  I wouldn't have earmarked the time to spend with him if yesterday had been better.
• I was able to reorganize my priorities a bit and cancel the yard sale I had scheduled for this weekend.
• I have great coping strategies and am capable of using them without a second thought, most of the time now.

  Here's hoping that my next post can be a funny one!

  ~Alexis

A Little Humor

  Ok, so I thought I'd throw a funny post in after that rather heavy one about my uncle.

    Our laptop decided it'd have a little fun and get a virus.  I suppose that was partly our fault since we didn't renew our anti-virus software in a timely fashion, any who...We were a little annoyed and it came up during a conversation with a new acquaintance who just so happens to be an IT guy for Wal-Mart.  His wife volunteered him to take a peek at our HP and, naturally we accepted.
    A month or so went by and then I got a phone call.  My friend, we'll call her Rachel, was calling to tell me that their house was broken into and our laptop was among the things stolen.
    Seriously???  You have Got to be kidding me, right?  What are the odds that our laptop is at someone else's house and gets stolen?  Apparently pretty high!

    Of course, the humor doesn't stop there.
    I decided to start a new business and while I thought a computer would be nice, I decided my iPod would suffice until Rachel and her husband got the insurance money and we could get our laptop replaced.
    What was I thinking?

    An iPod...to place orders.

    Go ahead and keep laughing.

    It was the last day of September 2012, a night I will remember well.  I started working on closing out my last party at 6:45--well before the midnight deadline.  I sat tapping away furiously at the cute little iPod--I even gave myself a head start by getting some things entered the day before.  Lo and behold when I tapped "submit" I got a neat little alert that said "the amount exceeds your balance." I assumed it had something to do with our bank account (that's how I pay for the parties, but they don't take it out of the account for 48 hours--so I should have been fine) and thought: "of course it does--we have no money because my husband HAS NO JOB!"
    I finally called my sponsor at 11:55 and then started crying when she regrettably said it was too late.  I was so upset, I cried SO hard my eyes were bloodshot and I had snot dripping from my nose.  I was certainly a sight--a very disgusting, pathetic sight.  I was so upset was because there were some really good deals that my hostess and a few guests weren't going to be able to get because of this alert.
    The ironic thing:  my sponsor, as well as the tech she talked to the next day, had never seen that alert before!  What a time for a bizarre fluke.
    It all ended just fine--I have an amazing sponsor who helped get things taken care of.  And now I can look back and laugh at how silly I must have looked trying to tap all the info on my iPod's little 2x3" screen.

  ~Alexis

Change

    In my last post I mentioned that my uncle passed away over the summer.
    My side of the family is Very small: just me, my mom, my aunt (who is actually my cousin's step-mom.  Their mom died 10 years ago from alcoholism) and uncle and two cousins.
    I got a call early one morning, my oldest cousin was hysterical as she told me that her step-mom just called and said her dad had passed away.
    I had the unpleasant task of driving to my mom's apartment and telling her the news.  Her only brother--only sibling for that matter.  The only guy in our family.  The only other person from her generation.  I knew the next few days were going to be long.
    Mom took it hard at first, but was able to settle down rather quickly, and for that I was thankful.
    I found myself being the rock for my small, grieving family over the next week. It was a role I didn't mind playing.  Yes, my family is small--but small doesn't always mean close.  I loved my uncle, but our relationship was an interesting one.  When I was small, I was terrified of him (not really sure why, he just made me feel off kilter).  When I got older, I felt I had to earn his respect.  Then, over the past 5 years we had slowly created a good relationship.
    He had actually come down for my birthday last spring and he and I spent the day together and then we had a cookout at the house.  That was one of my last memories of him, and I'm thankful it was a positive one.  So many of my experiences with him over the years were full of drama, half-truths, and unnecessary conflict.
    I had no idea that I'd be affected so deeply by my cousin's phone call about and my mom's reaction to his passing.  I found myself reliving those conversations over the weeks that followed his death and it was hard.  A even talked about missing him and was sad that he would never get to see her ride her bike without training wheels.  When we first told the kids, A was so sad--I must say I wasn't expecting that.  Sure she knew him, and had memories of him, but her reaction still caught me off guard.  Thankfully Bug is too small to really understand, watching A deal with it was hard enough for me.
    Yes, I miss my uncle and I am convinced the world will not be the same without him, but I have the comfort of knowing that in the end our relationship was as good as it could have been.  The family dynamic has certainly been altered tremendously and will never be the same, but we'll figure it out and we'll make it work.

  ~Alexis

The Optimist in Me

  Whew, so it's been about 7 months since I've blogged.  Of course there's a reason beyond "I just didn't make time" and there's no doubt those issues will be scattered throughout future posts.
  For now, however, I would love to give a "brief" overview.
  Are ya ready?  Good, 'cause here we go:  Hubby was laid off 6 months ago.  A started kindergarten.  Our computer had a virus and while a friend had it to look at and hopefully fix it, their house was broken into and our laptop was among the items stolen (it had most of Bug's baby pictures on it and most of the book I had started writing).  I started an SPD support group.  My only biological uncle passed away unexpectedly in August.  My mom got evicted from her apartment.  A's SPD meltdowns have skyrocketed and she started eliminating foods that she deemed acceptable to eat (it was already a limited list, to begin with).  I started a business with a company called Celebrating Home.  Hubby and I started cleaning our congregation's Church house. Hubby got a job after being laid off for 6 months, but his new job is rather demanding time-wise.  One of my cousins is expecting and now has to deal with the recent loss of her dad (my cousins lost their mom about 10 years ago).  My depression has flared up off and on, and so has the anxiety.
  Well, I think that's about everything.
  Looking over that list it's hard to believe it all occurred in 6 months!
  There were certainly times when I felt like things couldn't get any worse.  There were times when I wasn't stressed and I thought I should be.  There were times when all I wanted to do was sleep!
  I find myself counting my blessings frequently.  When my uncle passed away I was glad that financial stress was all we had to deal with.
  When A has her meltdowns now, I can look back and remember a time in her life when the meltdowns were worse and I was at a loss and had no strategies to help us through them.
  When I think about the sentimental things we lost on the computer, I remind myself that one day--in eternity-- they won't matter, so I try not to focus on that.
  We have several means of income and while they're not ideal, they're what we have and we're thankful for that.
  So, while things aren't exactly what we would have chosen, we have each other, we have our health and we have an amazing support group and for that we will forever be grateful!
  It seems that I can over come my natural "instinct" for negative thinking--it takes a bit of work and a change in perspective--but it is possible.
  Yay!

  ~Alexis