Let The Good Times Roll

  There has been much drama in my life lately and it's been stealing my sunshine.
  I decided to drag the family on a vacation (not really, we were all actually excited to go!) so I could re-center myself.  My focus needs to be My immediate family: The Hubby, A, and Bug...and me, of course.
  It's been hard to keep that perspective with so many other things trying to demand chunks of my time.
  Vacation was just what we needed.  Even though we were tired when we got home, we had a wonderful week together.  No other worries, just spending time with each other!
  Things have been falling into place for me since our return home.
  I was really struggling with A and found myself doing more research, reading, digging, discussing, etc, to try to find a solution.
  She grew 1.5 inches in about 5 months, and as a result, her psychiatrist increased her anxiety medicine about 3 months ago in order to catch up with her growth spurt.
  I saw some difference at first, then we stalled out, but the last 4 days have been amazing!
  A has been happy.  Genuinely happy for more than 30 percent of the day!  She's giggling, making up her own jokes, and acting goofy.  Quite honestly, the first day she was like that, I was convinced I was living in the Twilight Zone.  It really threw me off not having to tiptoe around her.
  She has been taking initiative.  This kid who had to be regularly coerced into doing even the piddliest of chores is now racing me to the kitchen so she can set the table without being asked.  She's putting away laundry without being asked.  She's cleaning up without being asked.  Notice a trend?  Initiative.
  A has been helpful.  She has done what I ask when I ask without whining and carrying on like I'm killing her.
  She has been affectionate.  Running up to me, The Hubby, and Bug at random times and giving us hugs, kisses, or words of encouragement--"You're the best little brother, ever!"
  Honestly, even her hugs and kisses were awkward for me because it was so foreign.  She's never enjoyed giving or receiving kisses--I always assumed it was an SPD thing.  Perhaps it still is, but it's obviously not as big a deal anymore.
  It's times like this when I remind myself *this* is why I never stopped asking questions, digging, searching, and getting evaluations when I wasn't happy with the answers I was getting.
  *This* is why I sort through my own traumas and work hard in my counseling sessions: so I can be there for A and support her like I need to.
  *This* is why I'm ok with my 7.5 year old seeing a therapist regularly, being on anxiety medication, and seeing a psychiatrist.
  *This* is the A who has been buried under SPD, anxiety, timidity, etc.
  I live for moments when I get to see that precious, kind-hearted baby girl.
  The last 4 days have been well worth all the struggles we have endured together over the years.
  I love my little girl!

Tough Call

  I've been babysitting for a while now.  I've been blessed so far and have had some kids who really fit well with my family and our routine and whose parents I enjoy working with.  All the kids I've worked with are great kids.  Some are easy going, some are challenging, some fall in between.  Even the challenging ones I've been able to connect with, if even just a little bit.

  I'm currently keeping one who I am having to say good-bye to.  There are hundreds of times in a day where I think "this is So hard! I can't keep him anymore."  And other times through out the day when I think "Man, I could really help this kid."

  The truth is that I really could help him.  All the strategies I've employed with A over the years are perfect for this little boy (whom I will call IV).  This morning I had IV and Bug.  I was about ready to pull my hair out.  But I took Bug to school and for the past hour and a half it's just been me and IV.  We've done really well.

  I haven't had to physically restrain him (which I have done at least once every day this week). He's had a few behaviors, but I've been able to work with him and help him through them.  We've been able to connect and he's calmed down lots.

  This totally could work.

  The problem? The Hubby and I have made the decision to home school A.  If IV was the only kiddo I had during the day (no other babysitting kids and none of my own), I'd be able to help him immensely.  

  But he's not.  Home schooling is the best thing for my family right now.  Not keeping IV is also in my family's best interest.

  So, as much as a part of me hates to, there's a bigger part of me that is able to see the bigger picture.  

  

  This instance has shed some insight to my own childhood.  I've often wondered over the years how in the world my mom was able to keep me.   Why didn't someone along the way see how she took care of me and call child services?  Why didn't some teacher step in and try to help?  Of all the adults who passed through my life, why did no one do anything?

  Then I have to deal with this situation.  It's made me realize that perhaps there were several people in my life as I was growing up who desperately wanted to help me and/or Mom, but for whatever reason, they were unable to.

  As much as I don't want to, I understand my family has to come first.  Being an adult is hard.

  So, I will do what I can while I have this precious soul in my care, and then I will pray that he will be able to make the best of the life he's been given.

  Again, I like to end my entries on a positive note.  While this one kind of has "sad" written all over it, I have been able to see that (at least for now) I would Love to (and be pretty good at it, to boot!) work with kiddos like this.  Perhaps at Karyn Purvis's camp for kids.  Perhaps just through babysitting.  Perhaps as a consultant of sorts.  Who knows what will be available for me in 15 years?

  ~Alexis