Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

  The one thing about SPD and childhood anxiety that I can count on is that just when I feel like things are settling down and we've found a good routine, something changes.

  Take Tuesday for instance.  A woke up and was just plain Angry.  Her fists were clenched at her sides, she had a huge frown on her face, she yelled at everyone about everything, she argued about nothing, and I couldn't make her happy.  Later she told me she was angry and didn't know why.

  I called her counselor to see if we could get her in this week.  We made an  appointment for the next day.  By Tuesday afternoon, she was doing better.

  Wednesday morning we woke up and things were back to normal.  Which worked well, because her appointment ended up getting canceled.

  Then there was yesterday morning.  She was back to being angry.

  She was arguing and frustrated and just plain, Angry.  I ended up carrying her (yes, she's 8) from the kitchen table to her room so she could settle down.

  She was quiet for a while and I had to make the tough decision to either go in to check on her or wait until she came out.  We had places to be but I knew *bothering* her could be dangerous.

  I decided to go in.  She was curled up in her sleeping bag, which was on the floor, and partially under her bed.

  My heart sank.

  I knew she was miserable.

  It was back to the drawing board.  I called the counselor's office and made sure we got things taken care of so we could get her in and got an appointment for the next day.  I called her psychiatrist to see if we could get her in earlier (and we did...a whole week!) and I started brainstorming.

  Her SPD has been getting more intense...her chairs don't stay on 4 legs (they're rarely even on 2), she's constantly spinning while she walks, jumping up and down while she watches TV, the amount of clothes she can wear is dwindling (not because she's outgrowing them, but because they itch/hurt/tickle/etc), and she is becoming very rigid in her need to keep to routine/structure.

  I have noticed a few patterns to her behaviors and it looks like we may need to make some changes to our home school calendar.  It also looks like her meds may need to be tweaked.

  Whew.  At least I feel like we're catching it close to the beginning, instead of being sidelined for a month before realizing there's something more to her behavior than being tired/sick/etc.

  I suppose I *am* getting better at this.

Routine or Bust!

  In my blog post yesterday, I mentioned that A had been clinging to our routine lately.
  Today I wanted to share a shining example of how drastic things got.
  With all the holidays we've had lots of time at home together.  The Hubby, A, Bug, and me.  We had a few lazy mornings (your typical stay-in-your-pajamas-all-day-and-eat-breakfast-at-11 kind of day).
  By the second day (not in a row--we aren't heathens ;) ) I found myself thinking "this is nice!  We don't have nearly enough of these days in our lives."
  My peaceful, lazy morning quickly came to a screeching halt.
  You see, the kids watch a show when they first get up.  They also have snack on the couch.  That particular morning the kids had eaten saltines.  I needed to go into town, and as I was getting ready to leave, A asked for seconds of snack.  I knew she had eaten plenty--but had never had "official seconds."
  She was adamant that she was starving, so I asked how many crackers she had.
  Twelve.  She'd had 12.  Now that might not seem like much, but I always give the kids 5 to start with and 5 for seconds (annnnnd there's a reason for that, too....but that's another story).  She had already had more than that and wanted seconds?!
  I noted that it was 11 a.m., so I said "If you're that hungry, go ahead and eat lunch."
  Looking back I see what a ridiculous offer that was to make.  Hindsight and all...
  "I can't have lunch! I haven't had breakfast yet!"  was A's not-so-calm response.
  Breakfast?  It's 11 o'clock and you've been eating saltines All morning...?
  I tried to reason with her, but soon discovered that it was useless.  Logic and reason are among the first things to go when she starts her downward spiral.
  I finally told her she was welcome to have breakfast.  When I left, both of my adorable children were eating breakfast basically at noon.
 
  I got home about two hours later, during rest time, and A came running up to me, crying.
  "Daddy won't let me eat lunch!" she sobbed.
  He was dumbfounded.
  "I thought they were eating lunch when you left" was his (logical) response.

  Nope.  It certainly wasn't as *simple* as that--so she sat down to lunch at 2 in the afternoon.

  Take away from this:  we don't skip meals in this house.  Ever.  Even if we wake up at noon, there's a certain order to things: breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner.

  Whew.  Lesson learned.

Twitter?? Scary!

  Ok, I'm going to let you all in on a secret.  I joined Twitter.  The thought of that terrifies me a bit.  Fast pace.  Short, concise tweets.  New hieroglyphics to learn.  New password.  New user name.
  Whew.  I get a bit light headed thinking about it.

  But I want to get my blog out there and was assured by Alyssa over at Near Normalcy that Twitter was a great way to do that, so there ya have it.

  I'm a survivor (and a wee bit dramatic), so I'm determined to learn it all.
  Feel free to follow me, but lower your expectations while I learn.  Some day I'll master it and be great, but until then, please feel free to pass along any Twitter insight and wisdom!
  You can find me at: @AJfrizzell (I think.  I hope.)

  So, the first part of this was all fun and games.  But interestingly joining Twitter actually brought on a panic attack.
  Gross!

  I was researching it and it's highly suggested that to be successful at Twitter, one needs to tweet about things they're knowledgeable about.
  So then there's the question: What am I good at?  What do I know about?

  That's what caused the panic attack.  I couldn't figure out what I'm good at, or what I like, or who I am.
  EEEEEK!

  After I calmed down, I did a bit more looking.  Both self-reflection, and at other tweeters.
  First, I looked at me.  What do I enjoy?  I enjoy kids.  I love crafting, doing projects, reading, and exploring together.  I love working for the local MOPS group--last year I was with 1-2 year olds and this year I'm with infants--I love both age groups.  I love preschoolers.  I love the knitting class for 3rd-5th graders I'm assisting with at our home school group.  I love kids.
  I think that will be my main focus for Twitter.  Kids.  Quotes about, things to do with, humorous interactions I have with them in my life, etc.

  Second, I checked out a few other tweeters and saw that there are other things to tweet about than news and techie stuff (thank goodness!--I would totally fail at those).  So I'm gonna put a bit more focus into who I follow and work my way into the loop.

  Now that I have that all cleared up, I feel a bit more confident about Twitter.

  Happy Tweeting!

  ~Alexis

Childhood Anxiety

 It's been a bit since I've written.  I seem to go in spurts.
  As usual, life hasn't slowed down at all.
  Lately my time has been consumed with A and trying to figure out the best route to take in getting her what she needs.
  She was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder 3 weeks ago by a child psychiatrist.  The naive peace that I had in finally having answers lasted about 5 days (I was preoccupied with a few other things, or else the realization would probably have hit me sooner).
  Then I started researching our new diagnosis and suggested treatment plan (medication only, no counseling).  I decided I wasn't completely on board with the psychiatrist.
  We have a follow up appointment tomorrow (one of many, I'm sure), and this time I have lots of questions. And so does A.  She and I have been talking about the "ornery brain" that tries to trick her into being scared/anxious when she really doesn't have to be.
  She wants to know how the yucky feelings get into her tummy, so we talked a bit about serotonin and where it lives (our brains and our tummies) and how when it doesn't work with our bodies the way it should that can cause our tummies and even our heads to hurt.

  Today, however, was a bit harder.  Her behaviors have been worse in some respects.  When she struggles, I begin to struggle--it's hard enough for me to give myself the emotional support I need and now I get to provide for myself and my daughter?  It's quite draining.
  But today, not only was I dealing with that, but I was also dealing with the new realization that things won't ever be easier.  They'll be different, and they may plateau occasionally...but we're never going to reach that place where we can all sit back and relax and say "ah, we finally have All the answers and can quit digging and searching."
  That was insanely exhausting.
  I am fully confident that A can overcome this anxiety, but it takes work.  Not only work on her end, but we have to be able to support her, too. It's never ending.  Situations change.  Strategies change.
  Of course I'm in it for the long haul, but just about every day for the past 2 weeks I've found myself thinking that I just need to go on vacation, or freeze time so I can have a time out.  I just need a break.  The problem is, even if I were to get a break soon, I would be in desperate need in a month or so.
  Bug has also hit a challenging phase in his 3 1/2 year old life and has been demanding a lot of my time and emotional energy too.

  So, we all know that I like to find the silver lining in things, Especially tough situations.  Today's silver lining?  Everything I've been reading about helping A reduce her anxiety is also helping me learn how to re-train My thinking!  One less thing for me to research =)

  ~Alexis

My Relationship With Me

  I decided to delve a bit deeper into a homework handout I received at my group therapy meeting a few months ago.
  I made a lot of comments in the margins, but have been avoiding fleshing them out more.  I have been thinking about it a lot lately and decided there's no time like the present to dig in a bit.
  So here we go.
  The handout is called "Skills in Relationships: Staying Safe and Being True to Yourself."
  As I was reading about trauma survivors who are re victimized by relationships with others because that's all they know, I was reminded how incredibly blessed I am.  As I read on, I found myself understanding the logic behind revictimization.  Thankfully I didn't feel any of it applied to me.  I might be at risk for revistimization statistically because I've suffered trauma in the past, but I am in the minority and have not fallen prey to this.
  So when I read the following excerpt and found myself relating 100%, I was intrigued.

       "In an effort to stay safe from emotional or physical harm, we may stop calling our friends, stop doing things we used to enjoy....Despite our best intentions many of these behaviors prevent us from fully engaging    in our lives."

  I find that I am not avoiding the physical harm, but the emotional pain.  I withdraw, I feel that I have missed out on life because I was distracted.  I lose interest in hobbies, become depressed and withdrawn and in the process of trying to protect myself, I am actually robbing myself of doing things I enjoy and even the chance to learn by making mistakes.
  More and more of what I read made sense and felt more personal.
  But I'm not in an abusive relationship emotionally or physically.  I have a wonderful husband.  I have an great best friend.  I have set boundaries with Mom in order to make that a healthier relationship.
  Then I had a thought.  Who do I say "yes" to all the time?  There's a person who can talk negatively to me and I take it without question.  Who do I allow to push my boundaries over and over (more emotional than physical)?
  Me.
  My relationship with myself is unhealthy.
  Huh.  I'm not really a person I can cut out of my own life, so it looks like I get to learn how to treat myself.  How to give myself (and allow myself to accept) the respect I deserve.
  Well, that sounds like a tall order.  Doable, but challenging.

  So here's to better days with Me in the future!

  ~Alexis

Finding "Me"

  Whew, so, naturally lots has been happening.  I've been busy processing life, doing "self work" and keeping up with my daily activities.
  A few weeks ago I got a really helpful homework handout at one of my Group Therapy sessions.
  It's called "Finding Your True Self" and so far it's taken me two separate sittings to read it, and I'm still not done.  There's lots of info in it, and I find myself getting sleepy...which I have discovered means I need to take a mental break from things (unless, of course, there's a physical reason I should be tired).
  It made such a positive impact on me, that I found myself writing poetry!  Now, obviously I love to write, but I have Never been interested in poetry.  The meanings of the poems always had to be very obvious in order for me to understand them, and I had no interest in writing any.
  However, one day I was resting and found myself thinking about the "Me" I was meant to be.  I am quite a creative person, I tend to be more optimistic now, I'm pretty funny, am very passionate, etc.  As I was consciously, mindfully relaxing my body I found myself composing a poem.
  I found so much freedom in being able to come up with My Own (positive) adjectives to describe myself!

  What a liberating moment!  As I spent the following days focusing on that, I noticed I was happier!  I felt happier, I was more productive, my family was happier, I felt more in control, etc.  It was amazing.
  Then, as life goes, I was bombarded on an emotional front.
  As I "dealt" I realized I was beginning to withdraw and dissociate.  Ugh!
  But I picked up my handout again and guess what it covered next??  Dissociation!
  It was incredibly helpful and insightful.

  As the handout goes on, though, it gets deeper.  The only "problem" with that is it requires more time and focus and I find myself getting tired quicker because I'm emotionally spent.  Blah!
  The Self is discussed on three levels: the self as awareness, self as context, and the observing self.  This last one is one that I am struggling with--I've discovered I've unintentionally fragmented my Self.

  The idea is to come to the realization that there is a part of us that is the same throughout our lives.  The "Me" who was once an infant, grew to be the "Me" at age 5, and is the same "Me" now.  Obviously things change: physical appearance, philosophies, etc.  But there has to be something that remains the same, or else there's nothing keeping Me, Me (I told you it got deep!).

   Well, here's the rub.  As I thought more about it, I realized that it doesn't seem like the garbage/trauma I experienced as a child really happened to me.  I'm far enough removed from it now, that it seems surreal.  However, deep down (must be my Observer Self kicking it up) I know it did happen to me.  Unfortunately it's like I've divided myself into thirds: my childhood, my young adulthood and me now.  Instead of keeping the fluidity and cohesiveness of life going, I've chopped it up.  As a result I slip into these episodes of dissociation and I have never realized my True self.

  I certainly have things to think about, and I have about three more handouts to work through.  Yay!

  ~Alexis

A Dark Day

  Ok, so yesterday was not good.
  Two posts ago I mentioned a whole bunch of "stuff" that I've been dealing with and going through.  After this past weekend I've got some more things to add to that list.  As a result, my depression has been laying it on thick.  I've known I need to make a 6 month mental tune-up appointment with my therapist and I finally got the ball rolling on all that.  I have an appointment this Friday.  Let me tell ya, yesterday I was beginning to wonder if I was going to make it until today, let alone Friday!

  The good news: I made it to today and I feel better.  Whew!

  The kids have been sick.  I've been sick.  We've been off schedule.  A's had some SPD-related issues.  Our schedule has been pretty packed.  The last few days I've needed a break from being a mommy for a while.
  It caught up to me yesterday.
  Let's start with this side note: I went to be the night before at 8:30--I should have had plenty of sleep.  Monday morning I got up and got Hubby's lunch made and A off to school.  I came home and went back to sleep.  I slept Hard!  I had very vivid dreams and had a hard time getting up and collecting myself when Bug got up at 8:20!  I was feeling pretty scattered, but had planned to walk with my bestie and so Bug and I got ready and went.
  Usually walking helps wake me up and get going.  Not yesterday. I basically spent the remainder of the day dozing from one activity to another.  Bug watched some more TV and only when A got off the bus did I remember I had a parent/teacher conference with A's teacher at 4:15.
  Her teacher was lucky I didn't show up in my PJs with my hair all messy--I was able to muster the strength to pull it together and make myself presentable.  Barely.

  I was so tired, I could barely keep my eyes open.
  Yesterday I knew I was miserable.  Today I have a better perspective and realize how much worse it was than I realized.
  Thankfully I Rarely have days like that--but when I do, I'm not so sure I should drive or be responsible for anyone (myself included).

  Ok, so where's the silver lining?  I don't like to leave a post on a negative note, if I can help it.
  The positive:

• I have a great support system to lean and depend on when need be(which seems to be a lot, as of late).
• I made it to today!
• I feel better, not worse.
• I was able to enjoy time with Bug today playing Superheroes, trains and exploring the basement.  I wouldn't have earmarked the time to spend with him if yesterday had been better.
• I was able to reorganize my priorities a bit and cancel the yard sale I had scheduled for this weekend.
• I have great coping strategies and am capable of using them without a second thought, most of the time now.

  Here's hoping that my next post can be a funny one!

  ~Alexis

Blessings in disguise

  My newest revelation occurred during one of my conversations with my best friend.  Really, it seems that most of my "ah ha" moments occur during my conversations with her.  We have a lot of great talks.
  Anyway, we were discussing my daughter's wonderful behaviors.  Again, A has always been the kid who acts perfect around everyone.  She obeys the rules, says "yes ma'am," "please," and "thank you."  She's that way with everyone but me.  It's not like she's got multiple personality disorder or even that she's acting bratty.  She's just being A, uncensored.  What I see is raw emotion.
  Before I got my depression under control I thought "what have I done wrong?"  A would be hysterical with me, but when someone else would step in and do whatever I had been trying, A would respond calmly and settle down.
  Seeing that was hard for me for a long time.  I thought maybe I had "babied" A too much.  I thought if I had done something differently that my relationship with her would have been different.  I thought perhaps my insecurities as a mom had rubbed off on her and made her an insecure infant.  I had about a million of these self-blaming scripts that ran through my head.
  Then one day it started to click:  A felt more comfortable with me than any other person in her life.  She and I have a special bond.  She knows I love her unconditionally.
  Whoa!  What a compliment.
  However, really "getting it" was a process.  Sure, I "knew" this--but why was she prone to acting the way she did.  Surely I had done something wrong...
  Now, I'm glad to say that I think after 4 1/2 years it has finally sunk in.  A feels so confident in my love for her that she knows she can truly let her feelings show through and nothing will change between us.  It certainly doesn't make her behaviors easy to deal with, but now I know I didn't do anything wrong.  I also know that she really has reasons for acting the way she does.  She's highly emotional.  She's 4.  She's doing the best she can.  She's relying on me to teach her how to handle these intense feelings.
  Boy do I have a long road to hoe, but I know that there will be a confident, self-controlled young lady on the other end.
  The second part to this post is what I realized the other day.  I have always seen so much of me in A.  I can relate to a lot of her preferences because I felt the way she acts when I was a kid.  I just don't remember acting the way she does.  I always thought perhaps the reason my mom doesn't have any specific parenting tips to give me (other than the fact that I don't ask her) was because she just forgot how things were.
  A few memories came to mind, though, that helped shed a different light on things.  There are two times in my life that I can honestly remember (there are probably a few more than that, but not many) that I truly let loose and acted the way A acts with me.  In those instances, I remember being aware that Mom was close to the edge of "going crazy" (as I called her episodes), but I didn't care and just went ahead and threw a fit.
  Whoa...it hit me that I never had the solace that A has.  As a child my mother was never someone I could afford to let see me at my worst.  I knew that her love for me was conditional.  I couldn't lose that love, so I acted like an angel.
  I will say that my grandma gave me the closest thing I knew to unconditional love.  I wouldn't say that her love had strings attached, but she had mental problems of her own.  I don't think she would have loved me differently.  I do think she would have acted differently.  I learned early on what to say and what not to say.  Not for fear of making Grandma angry, but I knew that her response would have either confused me or taxed her mentally.  So, I censored myself around her too.
  The bright side of all of this is that the ability to cope with anxiety and depression seems to grow stronger from generation to generation.  Sure, I struggle with those disorders, but not like my mom and grandma.  Sure, A will be prone to depression and anxiety, but her arsenal will already have a few strategies in it that will help her deal with the issues she'll face.  Some of the strategies won't take any effort on her part because she and I have been working together on them since she was a toddler.  Some will take a conscious effort.  Then, there may be times she needs more help.  There may be times she needs to see a counselor regularly or take medication for a while.  And she'll grow up knowing that's ok.


  ~Alexis

Success!

  My last post was about how well I handled a crazy couple of weeks and this one follows in the same fashion.
  This week was kind of gross.  I won't go into great detail now (perhaps another post will be devoted to one day in particular--it was that bad!).
  Hubby was on a business trip from Tuesday through Friday.  My energy was lacking.  My patience was lacking.  I had a book club meeting at my house Thursday that I needed to clean the house for.  I was hosting a game day for my best friend's kids and my kids (two boys age 2 and two girls age 4) on Friday.  I really struggled with A on Wednesday and that left me drained.
  However, on top of all of that I noticed that the way I handled it all was amazing--especially when I compared it to how I would have handled it in the past.
  Used to I would have been cranky, felt overwhelmed, been depressed because I had too much to do and couldn't get it done, and would have been incredibly anxious about it all--sweating, unfocused, the whole package.
  This week, however (with the exception of Wednesday), I handled it all well. I didn't avoid my chores, wasn't tempted to just curl up on the couch and sleep it all away, wasn't scattered and sweaty!
  Wednesday night I went to bed at a decent hour (used to I would have stayed up late trying to clean and get caught up).  Thursday I was productive and I was looking forward to having all my friends over instead of stressing about it all.  I wasn't cleaning and distracted when everyone arrived.  I had everything ready and was focused.
  It felt amazing!
  It's times like that when I'm able to see that all of my counseling and chats with my husband and best friend have paid off and have really stuck!
  I know that I have a lot of strategies in my arsenal to fight depression and anxiety, but it's great to see that my subconscious has filed away all the talking and processing.
  There are certainly times when I have to make a very deliberate effort to do what I need to.  There was a time (and I still have days like this) when I had to force myself to eat breakfast, get the kids dressed, make lunches and snacks and it takes all my energy to stay awake and off the couch.  Thankfully those days have become fewer and farther between.
  There was a time when I never thought I'd be in this place.  I was too overwhelmed by normal, every-day life.  How in the world was I going to be able to to anything "extra" (have game days for/with my kids, plan fun surprises for friends/family, do something spontaneous, be truly organized and be able to plan ahead, etc.)?
  I am so happy to say I have finally reached the point in my life when I can do some "extras" and not lose focus and get overwhelmed.
  It's been quite the journey, though, full of pity parties, anxiety attacks, depression, strong emotions I didn't know how to handle, unhealthy relationships, guilt trips and such.  Thankfully the journey was also filled with good counselors, incredible friends, answered prayers and an amazing husband!
  I'm off to have a wonderful weekend, free of negatives and full of positive things!
 

Anxiety strikes again...

 Yuck! 
  That's about how I feel now.
  I knew my daughter was ready for preschool, but I didn't realize that the dynamic of my day was going to change so much.
  This week has just been a stressful one anyway and the changes that preschool added to life just got tossed on top of the massive pile known as "this week." 
  Hubby has been under a bit of stress and while I wish there was something I could do to help him, there's just not.  Things will just have to work themselves out.
  The main issue today is these stupid chest pains!  My morning started off bright and early with them at 5:45 and they've come and gone all day.  I know there's stress in my life, in fact I half expected my chest to start hurting lastnight.  Perhaps that's the problem.  It was a self-fulfilling prophecy: I expected the pains and therefore they came. 
  My husband is on a business trip and I don't have much patience for the kids.  Naturally when I really feel like I need a break it's not a possibility (at least not for a day or two).  Did I mention my chest hurts?
  It stinks to feel so down today.  I was kind of liking the school schedule.  I'm forced to get up early and get ready (my husband requested that I not take A to school in my PJs.  I figure since I don't have to get out of the van, who'd know?  But I'll do my best to honor his wishes ;)  I can come home and get going--but then yesterday hit.  The week consisted of one dissapointment after another, and yesterday I suppose I had heard enough. 
  Naturally another thing that helped this evening feel so unaccomplished was that I forgot to refill my anti-depressant and I get to go a night without it.  Not a big deal, but it still adds up in the "inadequate" column of the day.
  Blah!
  I'm going to go watch some Gilmore Girls and practice crocheting some more.  Hopefully that will help the anxiety levels go down a bit.
  Here's to hoping tomorrow's better!
 
  ~Alexis

Just remove emotion

  Last week I had my first appointment with my counselor about anxiety.  It's been about 5 months since I was discharged from treatment, so I've been doing really great!
  Unfortunately anxiety reared its annoying head and I thought it best to see what advice Deb had for me.
  Really, the main thing that has stuck with me from that appointment was what she said about relationships.  Her little pearl of wisdom: Two relationship deal breakers are emotions and assumptions.
  What a coincidence--those two things just so happened to be the very first things I dragged into the latest issue with a particular family member.
  Huh!
  So yesterday when my daughter was yelling for me and throwing a fit in her room, what did I do?  I ignored it.  And then when my resolve to ignore her began to wear down I started chanting "just take the emotion out of it" in my head.  Amazingly that helped tremendously!  I suppose I hadn't realized (again, things just need to be spelled out for me...occasionally several times, at that!) that I bring a HUGE amount of emotion into battles with my daughter.  We are both incredibly emotionally charged people and when the two of us are upset and are engaged in a battle of wills, well, nothing good comes of it!
  Sometimes I can ignore her for a while, but then I just get angry 30 minutes later when the issue is still unresolved and I'm still listening to her carry on!  So then I'm prone to yelling or being totally unreasonable (it's very tempting to take away something fun--dessert at dinner later that night, maybe--even if it has nothing to do with the issue at hand--perhaps the toys aren't picked up).
  However, in my infinite wisdom (that is greatly enhanced now that the kids are sleeping peacefully), I can see that reactions like that from me only make things worse.  Being unreasonable in my punishment is basically my adult way of acting like my 4 year old is.
  Really, if you look at the issue closely it's easy to see why my own highly emotional response just creates a bigger problem.  My adorable Miss A is overreacting (in my mind) to something (say, picking up the toys) and my response is to overreact just as unreasonably by bringing something else completely irrelevant to the issue into the equation (dessert, perhaps.  What does dessert have to do with toys?  Nothing!).
  Good grief, no wonder so many of our "early years issues" went unresolved and only grew until they exploded!
  Unfortunately another problem arises:  I have to train myself to keep my cool (I'm discovering I have a bit of a temper!) or else everything just goes down the pooper!
  So, I've at least discovered one way to keep myself calm: remember to keep emotion out of the equation.
  Now, I'm by no means saying emotion is a bad thing.  I love emotions!  I love being able to adore my kids, I love being able to love people.  Even being able to have our feelings hurt serves its purpose--it keeps us safe and encourages (if it's handled "correctly") better communication skills.
  However--and this is definitely something I'm learning through my kids--there are appropriate ways to handle emotions and there are inappropriate ways to handle them.
  Anger should never be targeted at anyone (hitting, yelling at, or even spreading rumors about).
  Fear is another biggie with kids--but to keep it from becoming an anxiety issue, it's best to talk about fears and why they are or are not likely to happen (monsters under the bed=there may be scary shadows or sounds, but there are no monsters.  Tornadoes=yes, tornadoes can happen and can be scary, but just because it's windy doesn't mean there will be a tornado.  It takes more than a small wind to create a tornado).
  So, here's to hoping tomorrow is a day filled with properly handled emotions--on my part!


  ~Alexis

Learning about anxiety

  I've tried and tried and tried to make a post for several days now, but I just get too caught up in other things.  I've learned that having this blog is like therapy for me, and I'm not getting my sessions in when I need to!
  So today I'm taking a few minutes to write some things down.
  This past Sat. I hit a new personal best on my bike ride and was so pleased with myself!  I was whooping and hollering all the way up the monster hill (when I had the breath to spare, that is) that I conquered and it felt good!  All I could say after was "that was awesome."  I've decided that my cozy little box that I spoke about a few posts ago has just been blown to pieces--who needs a box anyway?  ;)
  Today I had an appointment with my counselor about anxiety.  For the past few weeks I've been thinking "why am I having these chest pains?  I don't feel anxious about anything."  Well, today Deb gave me a handout (I love her handouts, they're always so helpful) and after I looked over part of it I had to smile because part of what makes a panic attack a panic attack is that most of the time the reason is unknown. 
  Really Deb thought that perhaps in my case it's just one anxious event piling on top of another.  Even if I dealt with the situations well, there have still been four major things go on in my life in the past 2 months (my mom had another episode, my FIL had a stroke, my daughter will be starting preschool in a week, and one other emotionally-charged event)--perhaps I just need to process them all differently than I had.
  Ok, so knowing that helps in the sense that I'm not "missing" something--I may never know the cause of the attacks.
  Really, I hate to call mine attacks, they just aren't that severe.  The chest pains are really just annoying--but I still want them gone.  And I suppose they're still a physical overreaction and I need to retrain my body on how to handle that.  And they do hurt, I've just had worse.
  Anyway, I have another appointment in about 3 weeks and I'm really looking forward to it.  I like my counselor and I always leave my appointments feeling better.
  I'm planning to have a productive day today.  I have lots of laundry to get done, I have a few other chores to finish up and I want to work on my coupons and my book! 
  Another goal that I want to work towards is cutting out my afternoon nap most days.  If I really need the rest, that's fine, but I am starting to get annoyed that I'm almost 30, both of my kids sleep great most nights, I'm relatively healthy, I've even started exercising and I still need a nap every day!  Good grief!
  I'll let you know how that works out!  =)
 
  ~Alexis

De-fogged and feeling great!

  It's been nice to return to the real world.  Yesterday was a laid-back day.  We went to a drive-through safari with friends and even though one of the kids just took a short nap on the way home, we had a good afternoon.
  While I wasn't completely back to normal yesterday, I did feel a whole lot better.  I still struggled with those silly chest pains for a large part of the morning and that intrigued me since I felt more composed than I had in days.  I still found that I had to make a conscious effort to focus on what needed to get done (me eating breakfast, getting everyone dressed and ready for the day before starting on household chores, etc), but I have days like those every once in a while and I feel even better today.
  On the drive home from the safari I was visiting with a woman I have a lot of respect for.  She happened to make a passing comment that really stuck with me.  She reminded me that while there may be other relationships in my life that need some work, my Christian duty is to God first, then my husband and then my kids.  All other relationships come after those, and if something starts to take away from my three primary relationships, then I need to step back and re-evaluate my priorities.
  Talk about a light bulb moment!
  I've found myself struggling more with the kids, especially with my emotional daughter who likes to try to engage me in power struggles...ugh!  I've also noticed a bit of distance with my husband.  Well, now I understand why.  Hindsight being 20/20 and all, it's because I've absolutely allowed myself to be consumed with a particular issue that has yet to be resolved, and it's not due to lack of effort on my part.  I have done everything in my power to correct the situation and act like an adult, and have gotten no where.  So, now I am quite content to wash my hands of it for a while and spend time getting my priorities back in line!
  Let me tell you, it feels great not having that problem hanging over my head. 
  For the months to come if I notice myself struggling with my family, I'll be repeating "God, husband, kids" over and over until things get straightened out and I have a great feeling that things will work the way they should.

  ~Alexis

Freak-out, over!

  All right so the next step since coming to the realization that I have anxiety was accepting it.  I successfully spent the weekend in some ridiculous stupor.  I wasn't able to focus, I slept poorly and I got agitated over things that are out of my control.
  Today is Sunday and I've decided that I'm done with that phase of anxiety.  I gave in completely for two or three days and it stunk.  My solution: regroup.  That's what I'm going to be doing over the next few days.
  Unfortunately this weekend was one of little sleep for my highly emotional kids and there were many power struggles to be had.  As we drove home I was exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically.  So, tonight I am allowing myself some much needed "me" time.  I am not stressing over chores (and let me tell you the house is a mess.  Laundry is starting to take over the laundry room, things need to be picked up and put back where they belong, the fridge is in desperate need of being cleaned out, I need to vacuum, dust, clean the bathrooms, sweep and mop).  Instead, when I get home I am going to chill.  I am going to enjoy some time w/ my husband and perhaps read a good book.
  Tomorrow I will create a plan of action.  This would be one of those instances where I have to make an effort to sit down and make sure I keep things balanced.
  Balance...what a tricky concept.
  How does one balance religion, family, house work, mental health and friendships?  I'll let you know when I have a good system going!
  As of now, I tend to take things one day at a time (hence the name of the blog) and I rely heavily on my best friend and husband to help me find the proper prospective on things.
  Right now I'm letting go.  Sounds so simple, right?  Of course it does, some of the most difficult things that have to be done in life sound simple.
  I'm letting go of things that I can't control.  There is a particular situation that I have tried and tried to fix and from my perspective the other person has not put forth any effort.  I'm done for now.  I'm done dwelling on it and making assumptions regarding motives.  I'm done trying to come up with different approaches.  I'm simply taking a break.  Eventually I will have to revisit the situation again.  It will be unavoidable because my feelings keep getting involved (and hurt), but hopefully the next time it needs to be addressed I will have a clearer head.
  Tomorrow the kids and I have a plan to spend some time with friends.  I will also focus on the chores that I have designated to Mondays and will not even acknowledge the other things that need to be done. 
  I'll let you know how that goes!

  ~Alexis

Anxiety, really?

  Throughout my counseling sessions I had mentioned a few times, in passing, that I've had chest pains over the years.  My second counselor said "no wonder, it was all the anxiety you were dealing with."  I didn't think much about it at the time.
  However, today I was chatting with my best friend and was telling her that I have been having the chest pains again and started describing the dull, aching pains that effect my moverment to her as well as the fact that I haven't been sleeping that well lately.
  Through the course of our conversation she suggested that perhaps it's something associated with anxiety.
  I got home and WebMD'd it and I think that's spot on.  I remember the first time I ever had the pains Mom rushed me to the ER.  I was probably 9 or 10.  They ran all kinds of tests and couldn't find the cause.  Their best diagnosis: growing pains.  The only problem with that was the pain was debilitating.  I honestly couldn't move.  I really can't fault the doctors, who would have guessed that a 9 year old would have anxiety/panic issues?  The only way they could have known was to know the environment I was growing up in--and how would they know to ask about that?
  Over the years I've been tested repeatedly for asthma and even though the tests come back normal, doctors still gave me inhalers and would go on my way.  That diagnosis never really felt like it fit, and the inhalers didn't really seem to help--but what else could it be?
  Now I know.
  It just seems funny to me that now, at a time in my life when I feel like I have the most control I've ever had, I still have the pains (and logically, still suffer from some kind of anxiety/panic).
  Perhaps it's back to counseling for me...I'm certainly ok with that, I had so much success with it over the past year.  I was just hoping to be done with it for a little more than 6 months.
  On a positive note, I was able to let our new neighbors borrow a few of our big tables for their upcoming yard sale.  It's always nice to feel helpful!
 We also get to host the preacher who is holding a gospel meeting at our congregation for dinner Sat. evening.  I am really looking forward to visiting with him. 
  Lots of fun headin' our way!

  ~Alexis