Tough Love

  My family seems to be getting a head start on the whole "winter is the season to be sick" mentality and so we've started in late August/early September.
  Over the last six weeks, I have noticed that while the maternal instinct in me wants to cuddle A and pull her onto my lap when she says "I don't feel good," I can't do that.  Not with A.  We, as mothers, can easily fall into the trap of thinking that we are a bad mother if we don't pay attention to our child's every ache and pain.
  For a lot of parents, that's an ok approach.  Unfortunately when it comes to me and A, I can't afford a reaction like that.
  Let me explain:  A comes to me multiple times a day with various complaints from tummy aches (could be anxiety, could be gas, could be a stomach bug), to her eyes not working right (she saw an eye doctor last year--her vision is perfect), to bumping her toe on something and now not being able to walk right, to miscellaneous scrapes/bumps/bruises.
  Don't get me wrong. I don't brush her off.  I know that won't send the right message.  I do, however, have to make sure that my reaction is a good balance of loving concern and confidence in knowing she'll be ok.  I acknowledge her discomfort and offer an appropriate low-intervention (read: not medication) solution (usually ice or rest), and go on.

  Not only have I had practice in tough love w/ A lately, but with my mom, too.  Life hasn't been easy for the past month, and one of the issues has involved Mom's health.
  I have come to the hard realization that I don't actually know how to love my own mother (another post for another time).  As a child I was shown conditional love.
  Over the past month people who know my history have been saying "hey, you've gone above and beyond the past few weeks for your mom,"  while the child in me says, "she's your mom" and encourages me to say yes to things I shouldn't agree to.

  I've had to set some hard boundaries that seem cold to others.  I've had to stop being concerned with what other people might think of my choices, and draw the line.  I've come to realize that this is in the best interest of everyone involved (me, A, Bug, The Hubby, and Mom).
   The best way I can show my mother deep, unconditional love is to set boundaries and let her figure some things out on her own.  Enabling her to be dependent on others isn't helping anyone.
  Whew.

  Positive take away:  I'm doing what's best for everyone involved...even if it is hard.

Still Alive...

  So some of you might be wondering where I've been.  To be honest, I've been avoiding my blog.  I was intimidated.  Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I really liked the 30 day photo project I did.  There were several reasons, but we'll just leave it at that:  I really liked the project.  Just the thought of trying to come up with something to follow that was intimidating.  So I did what I do best:  I avoided it.
  Thankfully, even though I've been quiet on the blog, I've done a Lot of self examination.
  I've had a couple of great counseling sessions, and I've made a lot of changes in my perspective.  Somewhere in the last 3 months I hit a major turning point, and it's been nice!
  I realized that these past few years I've still been depressed, just not nearly as badly as I was initially.  Now I'm even coming out of that and it's nice.  It feels good to be happy.  It's nice to have a clean house.  It's nice to have happy-ish kids and a happy dog (yes, on bad days I even felt guilted by the dog).
  I am blessed to have a husband who has loved me when I didn't even love myself.  I've always thought he was amazing, but to realize that he saw something in me that I didn't even discover in myself until 10 years after we got married....that's almost unfathomable.
  I feel like I'm finally coming into my own.  I'm becoming happy with the person I am.  I'm a little socially awkward, and that's ok.  I have quirks, but that's what makes me fun!
  In some ways I feel like I have been mature beyond my years, but in other ways (like being comfortable with who I am), I feel like I was Very immature.  I've finally started to grow out of that phase in my life, and I like it.
   

Twitter?? Scary!

  Ok, I'm going to let you all in on a secret.  I joined Twitter.  The thought of that terrifies me a bit.  Fast pace.  Short, concise tweets.  New hieroglyphics to learn.  New password.  New user name.
  Whew.  I get a bit light headed thinking about it.

  But I want to get my blog out there and was assured by Alyssa over at Near Normalcy that Twitter was a great way to do that, so there ya have it.

  I'm a survivor (and a wee bit dramatic), so I'm determined to learn it all.
  Feel free to follow me, but lower your expectations while I learn.  Some day I'll master it and be great, but until then, please feel free to pass along any Twitter insight and wisdom!
  You can find me at: @AJfrizzell (I think.  I hope.)

  So, the first part of this was all fun and games.  But interestingly joining Twitter actually brought on a panic attack.
  Gross!

  I was researching it and it's highly suggested that to be successful at Twitter, one needs to tweet about things they're knowledgeable about.
  So then there's the question: What am I good at?  What do I know about?

  That's what caused the panic attack.  I couldn't figure out what I'm good at, or what I like, or who I am.
  EEEEEK!

  After I calmed down, I did a bit more looking.  Both self-reflection, and at other tweeters.
  First, I looked at me.  What do I enjoy?  I enjoy kids.  I love crafting, doing projects, reading, and exploring together.  I love working for the local MOPS group--last year I was with 1-2 year olds and this year I'm with infants--I love both age groups.  I love preschoolers.  I love the knitting class for 3rd-5th graders I'm assisting with at our home school group.  I love kids.
  I think that will be my main focus for Twitter.  Kids.  Quotes about, things to do with, humorous interactions I have with them in my life, etc.

  Second, I checked out a few other tweeters and saw that there are other things to tweet about than news and techie stuff (thank goodness!--I would totally fail at those).  So I'm gonna put a bit more focus into who I follow and work my way into the loop.

  Now that I have that all cleared up, I feel a bit more confident about Twitter.

  Happy Tweeting!

  ~Alexis

Trauma? I Think Not!

  Since the beginning of the year I've been struggling with staying on top of things.
  We were travelling, then we were sick, then we got snowed in, then my babysitting schedule/daily routine was changed.
  So, basically, Life happened.
  I adapted.  Ok, I adapted-ish.  I just had such a hard time getting my feet back under me.

  As I mentioned in my post, Depression, life goes on.  It doesn't wait for one to feel better.  The house still needs to be cleaned, the kids still need help with chores/activities, there are still meals to be cooked, etc.

  So I saw my therapist a few weeks ago.  As usual I didn't have anything in particular to discuss.  I was feeling down, and I knew a session with her would help me flesh out the issues that were bothering me.  I also knew it would leave me with things to think about.  I knew ultimately the appointment would help me feel better.

  We have discussed many times that I struggle when  A struggles.  I can handle the meltdowns and all the "extras" that help make life bearable for A, but eventually I reach a point where I can't rebound.
  That's where an appointment with Jeanine comes in to play.

  As we were talking, I came to a harsh realization:  my subconscious viewed raising A as a traumatic event.
  Yikes.

  I certainly don't want to continue on this path.  I've been making pointed effort to make our relationship one of love and trust.  How can I see my precious daughter as trauma?
  Well, the definition of a traumatic emotional event is: damage caused by a severely distressing event.
  That helps put it into perspective a bit.  Keeping that in mind, it makes sense that my subconscious would default to that.  Meltdowns are hard to endure, especially when we do it several times in a day.

  I'm not ok with that, though.  Yes, raising a special-needs kiddo is stressful.  Yes, enduring meltdowns time after time after time is exhausting.  Yes I'm at risk for depression.  Yes, it's hard raising kids (no matter how easy their personalities are).
   BUT, raising a special-needs kid is also rewarding.  Meltdowns can be helpful.  I have great tools to beat the depression.  Raising kids is also fun!

  So, re-training my subconscious won't be easy.  But it is doable.

  In the meantime I'll be praying and working to overcome this default setting of mine.

  ~Alexis

  

Positivity!

  I know how blessed I am to have my husband in my life, but every once in a while a moment will come along that makes my heart smile and I think to myself "that's the man I married!"

  Yesterday the Hubby had the lesson at Church and he spoke about thankfulness.  One of the points he brought out made me think about my blog post a few posts back.

  The Hubby was talking about the children of Israel complaining, even though God always provided for them.  The began to lose perspective until they actually wished they were slaves again just so they could eat different food!

  How ridiculous does that sound?  

  Then I thought about my post and how I talked about how simple life seemed 10 years ago.

  Talk about putting things into perspective!

  As I mentioned, I have been doing a lot over the past 5 years to improve my emotional health.  Something that 10 years ago was very unstable.

  I've been able to recognize my growth over the years.  There are times I  lose perspective and question what I'm really doing.  But I've been able to bounce back to reality more and more quickly over the years.

  Now I'm even able to see positive change in my journal entries.  Instead of seeming to be hopeless, a bit lost, and pessimistic, they now have hope, direction, and show an underlying optimist!

  The funny thing about me looking back on my past and being tempted to think "man, life was easier when I was [enter age here]" is that my life has never been easy.  This isn't a pity party, and I'm not saying my life was miserable.  I am saying that every age I can think of was met with some challenge at some point.

  Now that I'm adult, the focus of those challenges has shifted from being about me to being about my kids and my family.

  So the positive take away?  This time it's very simple:  I'm becoming an even more well-adjusted adult than I could ever have imagined.  Yay!

  ~Alexis

A Dark Day

  Ok, so yesterday was not good.
  Two posts ago I mentioned a whole bunch of "stuff" that I've been dealing with and going through.  After this past weekend I've got some more things to add to that list.  As a result, my depression has been laying it on thick.  I've known I need to make a 6 month mental tune-up appointment with my therapist and I finally got the ball rolling on all that.  I have an appointment this Friday.  Let me tell ya, yesterday I was beginning to wonder if I was going to make it until today, let alone Friday!

  The good news: I made it to today and I feel better.  Whew!

  The kids have been sick.  I've been sick.  We've been off schedule.  A's had some SPD-related issues.  Our schedule has been pretty packed.  The last few days I've needed a break from being a mommy for a while.
  It caught up to me yesterday.
  Let's start with this side note: I went to be the night before at 8:30--I should have had plenty of sleep.  Monday morning I got up and got Hubby's lunch made and A off to school.  I came home and went back to sleep.  I slept Hard!  I had very vivid dreams and had a hard time getting up and collecting myself when Bug got up at 8:20!  I was feeling pretty scattered, but had planned to walk with my bestie and so Bug and I got ready and went.
  Usually walking helps wake me up and get going.  Not yesterday. I basically spent the remainder of the day dozing from one activity to another.  Bug watched some more TV and only when A got off the bus did I remember I had a parent/teacher conference with A's teacher at 4:15.
  Her teacher was lucky I didn't show up in my PJs with my hair all messy--I was able to muster the strength to pull it together and make myself presentable.  Barely.

  I was so tired, I could barely keep my eyes open.
  Yesterday I knew I was miserable.  Today I have a better perspective and realize how much worse it was than I realized.
  Thankfully I Rarely have days like that--but when I do, I'm not so sure I should drive or be responsible for anyone (myself included).

  Ok, so where's the silver lining?  I don't like to leave a post on a negative note, if I can help it.
  The positive:

• I have a great support system to lean and depend on when need be(which seems to be a lot, as of late).
• I made it to today!
• I feel better, not worse.
• I was able to enjoy time with Bug today playing Superheroes, trains and exploring the basement.  I wouldn't have earmarked the time to spend with him if yesterday had been better.
• I was able to reorganize my priorities a bit and cancel the yard sale I had scheduled for this weekend.
• I have great coping strategies and am capable of using them without a second thought, most of the time now.

  Here's hoping that my next post can be a funny one!

  ~Alexis

A Little Humor

  Ok, so I thought I'd throw a funny post in after that rather heavy one about my uncle.

    Our laptop decided it'd have a little fun and get a virus.  I suppose that was partly our fault since we didn't renew our anti-virus software in a timely fashion, any who...We were a little annoyed and it came up during a conversation with a new acquaintance who just so happens to be an IT guy for Wal-Mart.  His wife volunteered him to take a peek at our HP and, naturally we accepted.
    A month or so went by and then I got a phone call.  My friend, we'll call her Rachel, was calling to tell me that their house was broken into and our laptop was among the things stolen.
    Seriously???  You have Got to be kidding me, right?  What are the odds that our laptop is at someone else's house and gets stolen?  Apparently pretty high!

    Of course, the humor doesn't stop there.
    I decided to start a new business and while I thought a computer would be nice, I decided my iPod would suffice until Rachel and her husband got the insurance money and we could get our laptop replaced.
    What was I thinking?

    An iPod...to place orders.

    Go ahead and keep laughing.

    It was the last day of September 2012, a night I will remember well.  I started working on closing out my last party at 6:45--well before the midnight deadline.  I sat tapping away furiously at the cute little iPod--I even gave myself a head start by getting some things entered the day before.  Lo and behold when I tapped "submit" I got a neat little alert that said "the amount exceeds your balance." I assumed it had something to do with our bank account (that's how I pay for the parties, but they don't take it out of the account for 48 hours--so I should have been fine) and thought: "of course it does--we have no money because my husband HAS NO JOB!"
    I finally called my sponsor at 11:55 and then started crying when she regrettably said it was too late.  I was so upset, I cried SO hard my eyes were bloodshot and I had snot dripping from my nose.  I was certainly a sight--a very disgusting, pathetic sight.  I was so upset was because there were some really good deals that my hostess and a few guests weren't going to be able to get because of this alert.
    The ironic thing:  my sponsor, as well as the tech she talked to the next day, had never seen that alert before!  What a time for a bizarre fluke.
    It all ended just fine--I have an amazing sponsor who helped get things taken care of.  And now I can look back and laugh at how silly I must have looked trying to tap all the info on my iPod's little 2x3" screen.

  ~Alexis

What is normal, really?

  I was talking to my uncle (my mom's brother) the other day and got to thinking..."wow!"
  If I really stop to think about my life it's easy for me to say "how did I turn out so normal?  I had no chance!"
  There are other times I think "did my childhood really happen?  It all seems so long ago and unreal."
  Then there are times like my conversation with Uncle the other day that I think "these people are for real?!" and it blows my mind that I'm even remotely in touch with reality.
  Mental problems manifest themselves in a variety of ways.  One of my husband's relatives has paranoid schizophrenia.  When she has an "episode" it's pretty obvious.  She talks in hushed tones, her eyes get shifty and she goes on and on about people going through her stuff, or that she knows people are talking about her.
  Then there's my mom.  Her mannerisms also change.  Anyone who pays attention to her can tell some thing's off, even if they don't know her.  Her actions speak louder than her words.  She does a pretty good job of keeping the irrational thoughts to herself (thankfully).
  Then there's my uncle.  There is no obvious change in his behavior.  His presentation is so convincing that if someone didn't have a firm grasp on reality, it'd be easy to get sucked into thinking what he says is true.
  Take our conversation the other day, for instance.
  He was talking about his cell phone.  He started out making complete sense, then he digressed and started talking about how "they" have bugged his phone.  Apparently he works for whoever "they" are.  He disabled the bugs, but left the tracking device in tact because it's important for "them" to know where he is at all times.
  My mother is convinced he's Jesus (as in God's son, not a Spanish kid), and Uncle has even commented that he's talked to a supreme being and knows things he shouldn't.
  Seriously???
  So let's recap, shall we? 
  My grandma (Mom and Uncle's mom) thought she was psychic and could see the future, she was convinced my cousins and I were princesses from the lost land of Atlantis, and she released souls that were stuck in the in-between.
  My mom is convinced my uncle (her brother) is Jesus.  She also thinks the people on TV can see into the room the TV is in.  She has had an affair with a famous person and has given acting advice to another very famous actor.  At one point in time she was convinced I was possessed and another time she put salt above the doorways to keep the demons away.
  Uncle apparently has also bought into the story about him being deity, also thinks himself to be a government agent of sorts (have you seen "A Beautiful Mind"?) and thinks he is invincible.
  I'm sorry, how am I sane?  I didn't have a chance!
  I am thoroughly convinced that the only reason I'm as well adjusted and normal as I am is because God (as in the God in Heaven...that the Bible talks about.  Not some bizarre-o god that walks around disguised as my uncle) had better plans for me.  Really, there is no other way.

  ~Alexis

Blessings in disguise

  My newest revelation occurred during one of my conversations with my best friend.  Really, it seems that most of my "ah ha" moments occur during my conversations with her.  We have a lot of great talks.
  Anyway, we were discussing my daughter's wonderful behaviors.  Again, A has always been the kid who acts perfect around everyone.  She obeys the rules, says "yes ma'am," "please," and "thank you."  She's that way with everyone but me.  It's not like she's got multiple personality disorder or even that she's acting bratty.  She's just being A, uncensored.  What I see is raw emotion.
  Before I got my depression under control I thought "what have I done wrong?"  A would be hysterical with me, but when someone else would step in and do whatever I had been trying, A would respond calmly and settle down.
  Seeing that was hard for me for a long time.  I thought maybe I had "babied" A too much.  I thought if I had done something differently that my relationship with her would have been different.  I thought perhaps my insecurities as a mom had rubbed off on her and made her an insecure infant.  I had about a million of these self-blaming scripts that ran through my head.
  Then one day it started to click:  A felt more comfortable with me than any other person in her life.  She and I have a special bond.  She knows I love her unconditionally.
  Whoa!  What a compliment.
  However, really "getting it" was a process.  Sure, I "knew" this--but why was she prone to acting the way she did.  Surely I had done something wrong...
  Now, I'm glad to say that I think after 4 1/2 years it has finally sunk in.  A feels so confident in my love for her that she knows she can truly let her feelings show through and nothing will change between us.  It certainly doesn't make her behaviors easy to deal with, but now I know I didn't do anything wrong.  I also know that she really has reasons for acting the way she does.  She's highly emotional.  She's 4.  She's doing the best she can.  She's relying on me to teach her how to handle these intense feelings.
  Boy do I have a long road to hoe, but I know that there will be a confident, self-controlled young lady on the other end.
  The second part to this post is what I realized the other day.  I have always seen so much of me in A.  I can relate to a lot of her preferences because I felt the way she acts when I was a kid.  I just don't remember acting the way she does.  I always thought perhaps the reason my mom doesn't have any specific parenting tips to give me (other than the fact that I don't ask her) was because she just forgot how things were.
  A few memories came to mind, though, that helped shed a different light on things.  There are two times in my life that I can honestly remember (there are probably a few more than that, but not many) that I truly let loose and acted the way A acts with me.  In those instances, I remember being aware that Mom was close to the edge of "going crazy" (as I called her episodes), but I didn't care and just went ahead and threw a fit.
  Whoa...it hit me that I never had the solace that A has.  As a child my mother was never someone I could afford to let see me at my worst.  I knew that her love for me was conditional.  I couldn't lose that love, so I acted like an angel.
  I will say that my grandma gave me the closest thing I knew to unconditional love.  I wouldn't say that her love had strings attached, but she had mental problems of her own.  I don't think she would have loved me differently.  I do think she would have acted differently.  I learned early on what to say and what not to say.  Not for fear of making Grandma angry, but I knew that her response would have either confused me or taxed her mentally.  So, I censored myself around her too.
  The bright side of all of this is that the ability to cope with anxiety and depression seems to grow stronger from generation to generation.  Sure, I struggle with those disorders, but not like my mom and grandma.  Sure, A will be prone to depression and anxiety, but her arsenal will already have a few strategies in it that will help her deal with the issues she'll face.  Some of the strategies won't take any effort on her part because she and I have been working together on them since she was a toddler.  Some will take a conscious effort.  Then, there may be times she needs more help.  There may be times she needs to see a counselor regularly or take medication for a while.  And she'll grow up knowing that's ok.


  ~Alexis

Success!

  My last post was about how well I handled a crazy couple of weeks and this one follows in the same fashion.
  This week was kind of gross.  I won't go into great detail now (perhaps another post will be devoted to one day in particular--it was that bad!).
  Hubby was on a business trip from Tuesday through Friday.  My energy was lacking.  My patience was lacking.  I had a book club meeting at my house Thursday that I needed to clean the house for.  I was hosting a game day for my best friend's kids and my kids (two boys age 2 and two girls age 4) on Friday.  I really struggled with A on Wednesday and that left me drained.
  However, on top of all of that I noticed that the way I handled it all was amazing--especially when I compared it to how I would have handled it in the past.
  Used to I would have been cranky, felt overwhelmed, been depressed because I had too much to do and couldn't get it done, and would have been incredibly anxious about it all--sweating, unfocused, the whole package.
  This week, however (with the exception of Wednesday), I handled it all well. I didn't avoid my chores, wasn't tempted to just curl up on the couch and sleep it all away, wasn't scattered and sweaty!
  Wednesday night I went to bed at a decent hour (used to I would have stayed up late trying to clean and get caught up).  Thursday I was productive and I was looking forward to having all my friends over instead of stressing about it all.  I wasn't cleaning and distracted when everyone arrived.  I had everything ready and was focused.
  It felt amazing!
  It's times like that when I'm able to see that all of my counseling and chats with my husband and best friend have paid off and have really stuck!
  I know that I have a lot of strategies in my arsenal to fight depression and anxiety, but it's great to see that my subconscious has filed away all the talking and processing.
  There are certainly times when I have to make a very deliberate effort to do what I need to.  There was a time (and I still have days like this) when I had to force myself to eat breakfast, get the kids dressed, make lunches and snacks and it takes all my energy to stay awake and off the couch.  Thankfully those days have become fewer and farther between.
  There was a time when I never thought I'd be in this place.  I was too overwhelmed by normal, every-day life.  How in the world was I going to be able to to anything "extra" (have game days for/with my kids, plan fun surprises for friends/family, do something spontaneous, be truly organized and be able to plan ahead, etc.)?
  I am so happy to say I have finally reached the point in my life when I can do some "extras" and not lose focus and get overwhelmed.
  It's been quite the journey, though, full of pity parties, anxiety attacks, depression, strong emotions I didn't know how to handle, unhealthy relationships, guilt trips and such.  Thankfully the journey was also filled with good counselors, incredible friends, answered prayers and an amazing husband!
  I'm off to have a wonderful weekend, free of negatives and full of positive things!
 

A Huge "yay me!" moment!

  Bug turned 2 last Saturday and naturally we had a birthday party for him.
  I like to keep things nice and simple.  There were 7 adults and 4 kids--the perfect sized gathering for me.
  Mom came (which after her arrest and my failure to come bail her out, I wasn't sure she'd make it) and was pretty quiet, but seemed to have a nice time.
  It wasn't until a few days later when Hubby and I were talking that I noticed I had a HUGE breakthrough moment and I didn't even realize it!
  Hubby's innocent question: "How was your mom this weekend?"
  My response:  "I have no idea."  I almost added an "I don't really care, either" comment, but didn't.  It wouldn't have been the snotty, hurt-feeling kind of response.  Instead, it would have been the healthy, "I'm not going to stress over it" reaction.
  I can't even begin to tell you what an utterly HUGE moment that was in my life!
  I have spent my entire life up to this point being able to gague Mom's moods and guess her behaviors.  My childhood revolved around a certain look in her eyes.  It was a look that incited so much fear in me that I continued to allow it to have that effect on my until I was 28!
  It was then that my therapist asked "why are you afraid of her?"
  Wow.
  What was I afraid of?  I was married and no longer lived with Mom, I could tell her "no" if I needed to.  I didn't have to let her into my house and I didn't have to answer her phone calls.  So why did I allow her to have that control over me?
  I decided then and there that I was done running from her.  I have an amazing husband who offered to come home to help me deal with Mom if I needed him to and an incredible best friend who offered her house as a refuge for me to run to if I needed it.  But I was done running.  I was an adult and had a daughter to take care of--what kind of example was I setting?
  My therapist suggested setting boundaries.  I thought of at least 10 boundaries to set, and the first one was "call before you come." 
  I can't even begin to tell you what a life-changing decision that was!  It seemed so simple--and yet made such a profound impact.  So far, that's the only one we've had to set and enforce from time to time.
  The first time I kept control of the situation and didn't let her take over I felt so incredibly liberated!  She dropped by, after I had requested she call before she come, and I only let her into the foyer for a 5 minute visit.  That was all it took for her to realize I meant what I said.  She's tried to push the boundary since then and I've stuck with it and we haven't had any major issues since then.
  Up until that point she had taken to just dropping by.  That might not have seemed like a big deal--but she lived 2 hours away at that time (since then she moved closer--now she's only about 20 minutes away)!
 
  So the other day when Hubby and I were talking I realized that I had no idea how Mom was doing mentally.  And that didn't bother me.  Instead I felt great.
  If she's entering an unstable phase, fine.  We'll cross that bridge when we get there.  If she's semi-sane, fine.  We'll enjoy time with her.
  Sure I noticed she was a little quiet and reserved (which is SO not my mom) last Saturday, but I didn't give it a second thought.  A year ago I would have been analyzing every look that crossed her face.  I would have agonized over when the storm was going to break (which sometimes is 6 months away and other times is next week).  I would have gone into "self preservation mode" which would have involved dissociating myself from the situation (read: life in general).  I would have become anxious and unfocused.
  Two years ago I would have cringed at every comment other people made that could have been miscontrued by Mom.  I would have been on edge when she made snotty or nasty comments.
  Her moods conrolled me--and I let them.

  I'm happy to say that they don't anymore!  At least not this time.  There will probably be times in my life when I'm down and something will come up with Mom and the instincts that kept me alive and protected as a kid will start to kick in again.  I can only hope and pray that I have the strength to say "never again" and stop them before I allow the situation to take control of me.

  So, yay me!!  =)

  ~Alexis

Just let go

  The past week and a half have been emotionally draining.  I can look back at the past 14 days, though, and be proud of how I've handled myself.
  My father-in-law suffered a stroke about 4 months ago and I've been working with my mother-in-law to find a good nursing home to serve as a transitional living place for him.  It's certainly been challenging with all of the Medicaid dos and don'ts, ins and outs, etc.  I worked with 3 different social workers and only one of them seemed semi-competent in her job--it was incredibly frustrating and created so much unnecessary stress.
 
  As if that hasn't been enough to try to stay on top of, I got a call from Mom this past Monday.  She called to tell me that there were some police officers at her house to arrest her for missing a court date for a ticket for expired tags.
  This is the second time she has been arrested in 4 months!  My entire life (almost 30 years) the only time I know that she's been arrested was when she had a mental episode and the neighbors called the police.  They came and took her to the mental hospital where she stayed for a while (I was so young, it could have been 6 months or 2 weeks) before she came home.
  This time she needed someone to co-sign the $1,305 bail bond for her.  My husband and I weren't comfortable doing it, so I did what I could to get it taken care of.  I called my uncle and a family friend who has always helped Mom in the past.
  As it turned out, a police officer (perhaps the police chief) was able to talk to her and ended up releasing her, so no one needed to mess with the bail bond.
  I, however, was not looking forward to the next conversation she and I would have because she would know I didn't bail her out.  Her one and only daughter.  The person she called when she needed help.  And yet, I knew all of that and I didn't feel guilty.  There were no "but she's my mom" thoughts nagging me.  There was no sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  There was no anxiety causing me to worry over what to say to her.
  Sure I thought about what I'd say--it was a delicate matter.  I just didn't dwell on it.  I came up with an honest, not-to-revealing, rather neutral explanation (with the help of my best friend) and then let it go.  As it turned out, I haven't had to use that response (yet).

  I've been getting a lot of practice at letting go lately.

  There was a place for me to help in the situation with my father-in-law.  I stepped in and took initiative with some things, and I've questioned those decisions.  There were a few things that I let bother me more than they should have and there were probably a handful of phone calls I made that were unnecessary.  Overall, however, I don't regret anything.  I'm proud of how I handled things.

  With Mom, I was able to let things go and not let that situation keep me up all night.

  I have had chest pains off and on, and earlier this week they started to restrict my movement (it tends to make the pains worse if I move my left arm much or try to take a deep breath when they get bad).  I was able to close my eyes and focus on my breathing and replace the anxious thoughts statements of reality--and it worked!

  Of course my mom and father-in-law haven't been the only things I've had to deal with this week and part of last.  It's times like these when my kids really seem to act out and give me more of a challenge-- naturally.

  A has always been sensitive to textures.  There was a time when the tags in her clothes bothered her badly enough that I had to cut out the tags before she'd even think about wearing the piece of clothing.  She is a dainty, girly girl and so her Nana loves to buy A fancy, frilly dresses.  Unfortunately A can't stand to wear dresses with the can-can material at the bottom (even if it doesn't touch her.  These days dresses are made with kids' comfort in mind and there's usually a layer of softer material under the more abrasive stuff, but that doesn't matter).  She also can't stand to wear dresses or shirts that have sparkly threads running through them.

  This issue has resurfaced recently and now extends to her shoes as well.  Remember, reason has no place in A's world when emotions take over

  So this past week while I was dealing with my mom and the situation with my father-in-law I also got to deal with A's meltdowns.

  I must say I'm looking forward to some mellow days in the near future!

  ~Alexis

Back to normal!

  Ah, life.  What a fun experience!  There never seems to be a dull moment.
  I have been feeling back to normal for the past few weeks and it feels great!  It felt like I spent too much time in the past month and a half feeling lost--and I hated it!  Apparently I returned to normal just in time. 

  My father-in-law had a stroke about 4 months ago and we just got word that he will be discharged in a week from the rehabilitation center he's been living at for the past month and a half.  Unfortunately for many reasons, a nursing home will be the best thing for Dad right now.
  The tasks of finding nursing homes, figuring out what Medicaid will pay for and figuring out how to get from point A to point B have all fallen to me.  I am more than happy to do all of this, but there's a time crunch and trying to find the right person to talk to about Medicaid has been like pulling teeth.
  I think I've finally got all of those loose ends taken care of for now, and hopefully things will go smoothly from here on out [said with fingers crossed while knocking on wood].

  While I was taking care of those matters, I was also getting ready for a yard sale my best friend and I put together.  Thankfully we've been doing yard sales together for 4 years now and have a good system!  I didn't end up stressing over it like I usually do, which was great.

  About two weeks ago Bug was twirling in circles in our foyer, fell and hit his forehead on the corner of the wall.  Naturally, since we're talking about Bug, his head split open and he needed stitches.  My poor husband was the only one home with the kids when  it happened and he freaked out!  I went to the ER with Hubby, A and Bug and was the one to go back when they put the stitches in.  He got 5 and only cried a little! 
  Up until they put the stitches in Bug was wandering around the ER (because I can't get him to sit still for 10 seconds!) and started to demonstrate for a few people how he got the gash. I stopped him before he banged his open wound on the wall for all to see--he is certainly something else.
The kid won't be 2 until the middle of October.  I hope this is not a glimpse of what's to come in the year ahead.
   
  I've been doing really good with the anxiety (and considering everything that's been going on, I've been impressed).  I've been having chest pains more frequently, but considering the craziness that I call "life" lately, I'm annoyed but not surprised.  There was one Wednesday I was trying to get the kids a bath and get dinner made before Church and I started sweating and thinking about ALL that I had to get done.  I was able to catch myself and think "one thing at a time."  I took  a deep breath and did just that.  I finished one task before starting another and I was able to get everyone ready and fed AND we were early!

  More to come tomorrow--my kids certainly don't leave me lacking when it comes to having stories to tell and dealing with stress!

  ~Alexis

Why not?

  Yesterday was a great day!  The main reason it was so great is that I have tapped into my well of creativity.  I have always loved to write, but I stuck to non-fiction.  I loved journalism and the idea of making a difference in some one's life through an article I had written.  Within the past year or two I began to entertain the idea of writing a young-adult fiction (YAF) book.  Talk about stepping way out of my box!  My book was going to be based on these insane stories my grandmother told me when I was a kid.  So, I began to write.
  I love to read YAF and have noticed that one thing that makes the good books good is that they're based on "truths" (mythology, folklore, etc.).  So I began to research my topic and realized that Grandma's stories were going to have to change in order for the book to be what I wanted it to be.  That's how it started, and then next thing I knew, the story became mine!  Grandma's stories served as a great inspiration, but the book now has little to do with what she told me.
  I feel so liberated!  Who knew I had the ability to create a YAF story?  I certainly didn't think I had it in me.  The reason I was going to base it on Grandma's stories was that I was sure I couldn't create my own.  I had a very small, comfy box that I liked.  Unfortunately fear and doubt weren't making much room for me in that box.  Now that I took the first step (rather unintentionally) in making my book mine I feel like I can really write and it feels great.
  I am currently reading a book about a woman who lost her identity through her roles as a wife and mother and she is now struggling to rediscover who she was and wants to be.
  I certainly don't feel like I have ever lost my identity--I love who I am.  I do, however, think that through the negative thinking that comes with depression and even anxiety, I severely limited myself in who I could become.
  Before, my life was full of "I'd sure love to...but I can't/I'm too scared/that's just not my kind of thing" thoughts. 
  Sure I tend to be timid, but lately I've been saying "why not?" instead of "I can't."  As a result, I now go mountain biking (albeit, on the easier kinds of trails--but I'm mountain biking!).  A year ago I walked the trails that my husband would bike and I'd look at the uneven paths, rocks, creeks, etc. and think "how is this fun?  I could never do that!" and then one day I thought "why not?" and I went for it!  So what if I'd had to walk my bike and people saw me?  So what if I fell?
  Just like with my book, sure I'd love for it to be a best seller, but if it's not that's ok.  I want to be able to say "I went for it!"  It's funny because I'll go back and read articles I wrote for journalism classes over the years, and even previous chapters in my book and I'll think "wow, that's good!  I wrote that?" and it's obvious that I've spent a good 10 years if not more selling myself short.
  So, today started out draggy and I felt extremely fatigued--but simply thinking about my book and being able to look forward to working on it later today gives me the drive I need to get things done.
  It's tempting to look at the massive pile of laundry that's been waiting days to be put away and think "I can't do this" and then go sit at the computer because I barely have the energy to keep my eyes open and stay awake.
  Today I'm determined to look at that ridiculous pile of laundry and say "I can do this!" and get it done!
  God wouldn't have created me to be a homemaker if I couldn't do it successfully.  That's something I'll have to remind myself of a LOT in the weeks to come--but eventually it'll be something that I won't have to make an effort to do.  It'll come naturally.

  ~Alexis

Discouraged and such

  I had such a productive morning and the kids did great!  So now I'm wondering why I all the negative aspects of the day are catching up to me and making me feel overwhelmed...
  I am reading a great new fiction book and one hand it is an inspiration, and on the other hand it's intimidating.  I started writing my own young-adult fiction book and am stuck.  I just don't feel all that creative.  Some of my book is based on these insane stories my grandma told me when I was a kid.  I can tell those and add to them a bit and base characters on people I actually knew.  The problem arises when I need to create my own stuff.  My dream is to publish it some day, but then I pick up a good, well-written young-adult fiction book and I feel like my story can never be that good....
  Also, while today was productive, I didn't get much done inside the house.  The kids and I were gone all morning/early afternoon and then it was time to get dinner and get everyone ready for Church tonight so my housework didn't get done.  We're planning to be gone tomorrow morning for a bit too, and right now I just feel like I need to stay home and get things done here.
  THEN tonight at Church I was briefly mistaken for a lady who is probably 100lbs. heavier than I am--certainly a blow to my ego.  I know I'm not small, but I'm not that big!
  Anyway, I'm hoping a good night's rest will help me feel refreshed. 
  I desperately want to be an optimist, but it just doesn't come as naturally to me as it does to some.  Tonight is a great example.  I am trying hard to remind myself that today was overall a good day, and that tomorrow I can start afresh.  It's just a lot easier said than done.
  So, here's to hoping tomorrow my head is clear and I can focus on being positive!

  ~Alexis