Tough Love

  My family seems to be getting a head start on the whole "winter is the season to be sick" mentality and so we've started in late August/early September.
  Over the last six weeks, I have noticed that while the maternal instinct in me wants to cuddle A and pull her onto my lap when she says "I don't feel good," I can't do that.  Not with A.  We, as mothers, can easily fall into the trap of thinking that we are a bad mother if we don't pay attention to our child's every ache and pain.
  For a lot of parents, that's an ok approach.  Unfortunately when it comes to me and A, I can't afford a reaction like that.
  Let me explain:  A comes to me multiple times a day with various complaints from tummy aches (could be anxiety, could be gas, could be a stomach bug), to her eyes not working right (she saw an eye doctor last year--her vision is perfect), to bumping her toe on something and now not being able to walk right, to miscellaneous scrapes/bumps/bruises.
  Don't get me wrong. I don't brush her off.  I know that won't send the right message.  I do, however, have to make sure that my reaction is a good balance of loving concern and confidence in knowing she'll be ok.  I acknowledge her discomfort and offer an appropriate low-intervention (read: not medication) solution (usually ice or rest), and go on.

  Not only have I had practice in tough love w/ A lately, but with my mom, too.  Life hasn't been easy for the past month, and one of the issues has involved Mom's health.
  I have come to the hard realization that I don't actually know how to love my own mother (another post for another time).  As a child I was shown conditional love.
  Over the past month people who know my history have been saying "hey, you've gone above and beyond the past few weeks for your mom,"  while the child in me says, "she's your mom" and encourages me to say yes to things I shouldn't agree to.

  I've had to set some hard boundaries that seem cold to others.  I've had to stop being concerned with what other people might think of my choices, and draw the line.  I've come to realize that this is in the best interest of everyone involved (me, A, Bug, The Hubby, and Mom).
   The best way I can show my mother deep, unconditional love is to set boundaries and let her figure some things out on her own.  Enabling her to be dependent on others isn't helping anyone.
  Whew.

  Positive take away:  I'm doing what's best for everyone involved...even if it is hard.

Change

    In my last post I mentioned that my uncle passed away over the summer.
    My side of the family is Very small: just me, my mom, my aunt (who is actually my cousin's step-mom.  Their mom died 10 years ago from alcoholism) and uncle and two cousins.
    I got a call early one morning, my oldest cousin was hysterical as she told me that her step-mom just called and said her dad had passed away.
    I had the unpleasant task of driving to my mom's apartment and telling her the news.  Her only brother--only sibling for that matter.  The only guy in our family.  The only other person from her generation.  I knew the next few days were going to be long.
    Mom took it hard at first, but was able to settle down rather quickly, and for that I was thankful.
    I found myself being the rock for my small, grieving family over the next week. It was a role I didn't mind playing.  Yes, my family is small--but small doesn't always mean close.  I loved my uncle, but our relationship was an interesting one.  When I was small, I was terrified of him (not really sure why, he just made me feel off kilter).  When I got older, I felt I had to earn his respect.  Then, over the past 5 years we had slowly created a good relationship.
    He had actually come down for my birthday last spring and he and I spent the day together and then we had a cookout at the house.  That was one of my last memories of him, and I'm thankful it was a positive one.  So many of my experiences with him over the years were full of drama, half-truths, and unnecessary conflict.
    I had no idea that I'd be affected so deeply by my cousin's phone call about and my mom's reaction to his passing.  I found myself reliving those conversations over the weeks that followed his death and it was hard.  A even talked about missing him and was sad that he would never get to see her ride her bike without training wheels.  When we first told the kids, A was so sad--I must say I wasn't expecting that.  Sure she knew him, and had memories of him, but her reaction still caught me off guard.  Thankfully Bug is too small to really understand, watching A deal with it was hard enough for me.
    Yes, I miss my uncle and I am convinced the world will not be the same without him, but I have the comfort of knowing that in the end our relationship was as good as it could have been.  The family dynamic has certainly been altered tremendously and will never be the same, but we'll figure it out and we'll make it work.

  ~Alexis

What is normal, really?

  I was talking to my uncle (my mom's brother) the other day and got to thinking..."wow!"
  If I really stop to think about my life it's easy for me to say "how did I turn out so normal?  I had no chance!"
  There are other times I think "did my childhood really happen?  It all seems so long ago and unreal."
  Then there are times like my conversation with Uncle the other day that I think "these people are for real?!" and it blows my mind that I'm even remotely in touch with reality.
  Mental problems manifest themselves in a variety of ways.  One of my husband's relatives has paranoid schizophrenia.  When she has an "episode" it's pretty obvious.  She talks in hushed tones, her eyes get shifty and she goes on and on about people going through her stuff, or that she knows people are talking about her.
  Then there's my mom.  Her mannerisms also change.  Anyone who pays attention to her can tell some thing's off, even if they don't know her.  Her actions speak louder than her words.  She does a pretty good job of keeping the irrational thoughts to herself (thankfully).
  Then there's my uncle.  There is no obvious change in his behavior.  His presentation is so convincing that if someone didn't have a firm grasp on reality, it'd be easy to get sucked into thinking what he says is true.
  Take our conversation the other day, for instance.
  He was talking about his cell phone.  He started out making complete sense, then he digressed and started talking about how "they" have bugged his phone.  Apparently he works for whoever "they" are.  He disabled the bugs, but left the tracking device in tact because it's important for "them" to know where he is at all times.
  My mother is convinced he's Jesus (as in God's son, not a Spanish kid), and Uncle has even commented that he's talked to a supreme being and knows things he shouldn't.
  Seriously???
  So let's recap, shall we? 
  My grandma (Mom and Uncle's mom) thought she was psychic and could see the future, she was convinced my cousins and I were princesses from the lost land of Atlantis, and she released souls that were stuck in the in-between.
  My mom is convinced my uncle (her brother) is Jesus.  She also thinks the people on TV can see into the room the TV is in.  She has had an affair with a famous person and has given acting advice to another very famous actor.  At one point in time she was convinced I was possessed and another time she put salt above the doorways to keep the demons away.
  Uncle apparently has also bought into the story about him being deity, also thinks himself to be a government agent of sorts (have you seen "A Beautiful Mind"?) and thinks he is invincible.
  I'm sorry, how am I sane?  I didn't have a chance!
  I am thoroughly convinced that the only reason I'm as well adjusted and normal as I am is because God (as in the God in Heaven...that the Bible talks about.  Not some bizarre-o god that walks around disguised as my uncle) had better plans for me.  Really, there is no other way.

  ~Alexis

A Huge "yay me!" moment!

  Bug turned 2 last Saturday and naturally we had a birthday party for him.
  I like to keep things nice and simple.  There were 7 adults and 4 kids--the perfect sized gathering for me.
  Mom came (which after her arrest and my failure to come bail her out, I wasn't sure she'd make it) and was pretty quiet, but seemed to have a nice time.
  It wasn't until a few days later when Hubby and I were talking that I noticed I had a HUGE breakthrough moment and I didn't even realize it!
  Hubby's innocent question: "How was your mom this weekend?"
  My response:  "I have no idea."  I almost added an "I don't really care, either" comment, but didn't.  It wouldn't have been the snotty, hurt-feeling kind of response.  Instead, it would have been the healthy, "I'm not going to stress over it" reaction.
  I can't even begin to tell you what an utterly HUGE moment that was in my life!
  I have spent my entire life up to this point being able to gague Mom's moods and guess her behaviors.  My childhood revolved around a certain look in her eyes.  It was a look that incited so much fear in me that I continued to allow it to have that effect on my until I was 28!
  It was then that my therapist asked "why are you afraid of her?"
  Wow.
  What was I afraid of?  I was married and no longer lived with Mom, I could tell her "no" if I needed to.  I didn't have to let her into my house and I didn't have to answer her phone calls.  So why did I allow her to have that control over me?
  I decided then and there that I was done running from her.  I have an amazing husband who offered to come home to help me deal with Mom if I needed him to and an incredible best friend who offered her house as a refuge for me to run to if I needed it.  But I was done running.  I was an adult and had a daughter to take care of--what kind of example was I setting?
  My therapist suggested setting boundaries.  I thought of at least 10 boundaries to set, and the first one was "call before you come." 
  I can't even begin to tell you what a life-changing decision that was!  It seemed so simple--and yet made such a profound impact.  So far, that's the only one we've had to set and enforce from time to time.
  The first time I kept control of the situation and didn't let her take over I felt so incredibly liberated!  She dropped by, after I had requested she call before she come, and I only let her into the foyer for a 5 minute visit.  That was all it took for her to realize I meant what I said.  She's tried to push the boundary since then and I've stuck with it and we haven't had any major issues since then.
  Up until that point she had taken to just dropping by.  That might not have seemed like a big deal--but she lived 2 hours away at that time (since then she moved closer--now she's only about 20 minutes away)!
 
  So the other day when Hubby and I were talking I realized that I had no idea how Mom was doing mentally.  And that didn't bother me.  Instead I felt great.
  If she's entering an unstable phase, fine.  We'll cross that bridge when we get there.  If she's semi-sane, fine.  We'll enjoy time with her.
  Sure I noticed she was a little quiet and reserved (which is SO not my mom) last Saturday, but I didn't give it a second thought.  A year ago I would have been analyzing every look that crossed her face.  I would have agonized over when the storm was going to break (which sometimes is 6 months away and other times is next week).  I would have gone into "self preservation mode" which would have involved dissociating myself from the situation (read: life in general).  I would have become anxious and unfocused.
  Two years ago I would have cringed at every comment other people made that could have been miscontrued by Mom.  I would have been on edge when she made snotty or nasty comments.
  Her moods conrolled me--and I let them.

  I'm happy to say that they don't anymore!  At least not this time.  There will probably be times in my life when I'm down and something will come up with Mom and the instincts that kept me alive and protected as a kid will start to kick in again.  I can only hope and pray that I have the strength to say "never again" and stop them before I allow the situation to take control of me.

  So, yay me!!  =)

  ~Alexis

Yay for Today!

  Today had potential to be horrible.
  Thankfully it wasn't!
  I got to go to my coupon club, finally got rid of a nasty headache, had minimal power struggles with my kiddos, actually enjoyed time with my mom, got to play tennis during some kid-free time with a great friend and then even had a great chat over some coffee.
  One thing that made today so great was the time with my mom.  She and I certainly don't have a great relationship--sometimes it's hardly even a relationship at all.
  Today, however, she and the kids enjoyed some time together and I was able to finish up a few chores while they played.  Then we all had a good lunch and then she and I were able to spend some time catching up.
  It was a surprisingly balanced visit.
 I used to keep busy with chores when she'd visit.  Before she moved closer to us and would come to stay, I did a lot more cooking.  It was just easier to spend time with her if I didn't have to give her my undivided attention.
  Today, though, I even asked how her doctor appointment went last week.  A huge part of me didn't want to ask--not because I don't care, but because I don't know what I can believe.
  She recently spent some time in the hospital and told me the doctor advised her to apply for hospice because she only had 6 months to live.  I took that story with a grain of salt and later found out that, yes, her heart has been weakened by her lifestyle, but that she is in decent health all things considered.
  SO, back to her appointment last week.  He doctor told her things weren't as dire as she thought, and really that she's ok. 
  I was impressed she'd even tell me that.  That story doesn't attract the attention that the hospice story did--but she was honest and that was great. 

  I was even able to finish the day with a step towards my goal of exercising several times a week!  I'd say today was a success.  Now let's see what tomorrow brings...

  ~Alexis