Trauma? I Think Not!

  Since the beginning of the year I've been struggling with staying on top of things.
  We were travelling, then we were sick, then we got snowed in, then my babysitting schedule/daily routine was changed.
  So, basically, Life happened.
  I adapted.  Ok, I adapted-ish.  I just had such a hard time getting my feet back under me.

  As I mentioned in my post, Depression, life goes on.  It doesn't wait for one to feel better.  The house still needs to be cleaned, the kids still need help with chores/activities, there are still meals to be cooked, etc.

  So I saw my therapist a few weeks ago.  As usual I didn't have anything in particular to discuss.  I was feeling down, and I knew a session with her would help me flesh out the issues that were bothering me.  I also knew it would leave me with things to think about.  I knew ultimately the appointment would help me feel better.

  We have discussed many times that I struggle when  A struggles.  I can handle the meltdowns and all the "extras" that help make life bearable for A, but eventually I reach a point where I can't rebound.
  That's where an appointment with Jeanine comes in to play.

  As we were talking, I came to a harsh realization:  my subconscious viewed raising A as a traumatic event.
  Yikes.

  I certainly don't want to continue on this path.  I've been making pointed effort to make our relationship one of love and trust.  How can I see my precious daughter as trauma?
  Well, the definition of a traumatic emotional event is: damage caused by a severely distressing event.
  That helps put it into perspective a bit.  Keeping that in mind, it makes sense that my subconscious would default to that.  Meltdowns are hard to endure, especially when we do it several times in a day.

  I'm not ok with that, though.  Yes, raising a special-needs kiddo is stressful.  Yes, enduring meltdowns time after time after time is exhausting.  Yes I'm at risk for depression.  Yes, it's hard raising kids (no matter how easy their personalities are).
   BUT, raising a special-needs kid is also rewarding.  Meltdowns can be helpful.  I have great tools to beat the depression.  Raising kids is also fun!

  So, re-training my subconscious won't be easy.  But it is doable.

  In the meantime I'll be praying and working to overcome this default setting of mine.

  ~Alexis

  

Positivity!

  I've been struggling a LOT lately.
  I've been dealing with more anxiety/panic.
  I even had to cancel having company last weekend because I couldn't get my act together and clean the house.
  I'm hosting an event this weekend.  At my house. Re-scheduling is not an option.  Monday I was doing ok, but then yesterday I started slowing down and today was basically at a standstill.
  Bleh!
  So this morning as I sat on the couch trying to decide whether I wanted to sleep or force myself to be *productive* (which would have resulted in me wandering aimlessly through the house until I convinced myself to just give in and sleep), I decided to spend some time in prayer.  When I was done, a brilliant realization hit me:  I haven't been exercising like I need to.  A little goes a long way for me, so I jumped on the trampoline for 5 minutes and already felt better.
   I was more clear-headed and my mood was brighter.
   I was able to come up with a game plan for the first part of my day and got going!
   I also found my thoughts became more positive and clearer.  I began to remind myself that while cleaning is a struggle for me, I am a good mother and wife.  I have maintained a casein-free diet for A for almost 3 months and have also made her gluten free for 2 weeks.  Gluten was VERY intimidating for me, so for me to stick with it is Awesome--and it doesn't help that A's favorite foods are Full of gluten.  Again, for me to be firm and make the commitment is Amazing!
  I should be proud of that!
  I have also been focusing on my marriage.  Don't get me wrong, the Hubby and I have a really good relationship, but it's still easy for him to get put on hold because I have two rather demanding kiddos!  However, making sure I do things for him, no matter how small, helps keep that relationship strong and I have been making the effort to do just that.

  So, while this is probably painfully obvious to you, I have a hard time seeing that being a good wife and mother goes deeper than the amount of time I spend cleaning.
  This is certainly a blog post I can refer to later! It's a good reminder to me, as well as anyone else who struggles with the same negative thoughts about self worth.

  ~Alexis

Depression

  One thing I've discovered about depression: life goes on.
  While I try to stay off the couch and not sleep my life away and while I struggle to re-train myself on how to think, there's a world out there and it keeps going.

  On the down side, that only compounds my issues.  Now not only do I have my chores to keep up with, but I've got this disgusting depression to work through and kids and a husband to keep up with.
  People can only be understanding for so long.  This last time I struggled for a week--I can only imagine if I'm this tired of feeling down and like I'm not accomplishing much, how the other people in my life must feel.  Especially when the upkeep of my house reflects that.  It's got to be exhausting.  And frustrating.  And annoying.  And about a thousand other negative adjectives.

  On the positive side:  I have motivation to keep me going.  If life just stood still, or if no one depended on me, then why would I keep on?
  As it happens, I have a 3 year old to potty train, a 5 year old to help navigate life, a house to clean, a business to run and there's lots of fun to be had in life.

  I have been reminded how well my husband and I work together.  He's very understanding and helpful, but it seems that his patience runs out at the perfect time.  He and I had a great talk last week and it was really the kick in the booty that I needed to get up and get going.
  So, this week, while I'm feeling a bit more detached, I am at least accomplishing Lots!  If I can't feel *real* I'd much rather be able to keep up with my chores and duties in life than fall behind in that part of my life too.
  As I have learned over the years of dealing with dissociation, I will feel better eventually so I may as well keep truckin' on.


  ~Alexis

A Dark Day

  Ok, so yesterday was not good.
  Two posts ago I mentioned a whole bunch of "stuff" that I've been dealing with and going through.  After this past weekend I've got some more things to add to that list.  As a result, my depression has been laying it on thick.  I've known I need to make a 6 month mental tune-up appointment with my therapist and I finally got the ball rolling on all that.  I have an appointment this Friday.  Let me tell ya, yesterday I was beginning to wonder if I was going to make it until today, let alone Friday!

  The good news: I made it to today and I feel better.  Whew!

  The kids have been sick.  I've been sick.  We've been off schedule.  A's had some SPD-related issues.  Our schedule has been pretty packed.  The last few days I've needed a break from being a mommy for a while.
  It caught up to me yesterday.
  Let's start with this side note: I went to be the night before at 8:30--I should have had plenty of sleep.  Monday morning I got up and got Hubby's lunch made and A off to school.  I came home and went back to sleep.  I slept Hard!  I had very vivid dreams and had a hard time getting up and collecting myself when Bug got up at 8:20!  I was feeling pretty scattered, but had planned to walk with my bestie and so Bug and I got ready and went.
  Usually walking helps wake me up and get going.  Not yesterday. I basically spent the remainder of the day dozing from one activity to another.  Bug watched some more TV and only when A got off the bus did I remember I had a parent/teacher conference with A's teacher at 4:15.
  Her teacher was lucky I didn't show up in my PJs with my hair all messy--I was able to muster the strength to pull it together and make myself presentable.  Barely.

  I was so tired, I could barely keep my eyes open.
  Yesterday I knew I was miserable.  Today I have a better perspective and realize how much worse it was than I realized.
  Thankfully I Rarely have days like that--but when I do, I'm not so sure I should drive or be responsible for anyone (myself included).

  Ok, so where's the silver lining?  I don't like to leave a post on a negative note, if I can help it.
  The positive:

• I have a great support system to lean and depend on when need be(which seems to be a lot, as of late).
• I made it to today!
• I feel better, not worse.
• I was able to enjoy time with Bug today playing Superheroes, trains and exploring the basement.  I wouldn't have earmarked the time to spend with him if yesterday had been better.
• I was able to reorganize my priorities a bit and cancel the yard sale I had scheduled for this weekend.
• I have great coping strategies and am capable of using them without a second thought, most of the time now.

  Here's hoping that my next post can be a funny one!

  ~Alexis

Blessings in disguise

  My newest revelation occurred during one of my conversations with my best friend.  Really, it seems that most of my "ah ha" moments occur during my conversations with her.  We have a lot of great talks.
  Anyway, we were discussing my daughter's wonderful behaviors.  Again, A has always been the kid who acts perfect around everyone.  She obeys the rules, says "yes ma'am," "please," and "thank you."  She's that way with everyone but me.  It's not like she's got multiple personality disorder or even that she's acting bratty.  She's just being A, uncensored.  What I see is raw emotion.
  Before I got my depression under control I thought "what have I done wrong?"  A would be hysterical with me, but when someone else would step in and do whatever I had been trying, A would respond calmly and settle down.
  Seeing that was hard for me for a long time.  I thought maybe I had "babied" A too much.  I thought if I had done something differently that my relationship with her would have been different.  I thought perhaps my insecurities as a mom had rubbed off on her and made her an insecure infant.  I had about a million of these self-blaming scripts that ran through my head.
  Then one day it started to click:  A felt more comfortable with me than any other person in her life.  She and I have a special bond.  She knows I love her unconditionally.
  Whoa!  What a compliment.
  However, really "getting it" was a process.  Sure, I "knew" this--but why was she prone to acting the way she did.  Surely I had done something wrong...
  Now, I'm glad to say that I think after 4 1/2 years it has finally sunk in.  A feels so confident in my love for her that she knows she can truly let her feelings show through and nothing will change between us.  It certainly doesn't make her behaviors easy to deal with, but now I know I didn't do anything wrong.  I also know that she really has reasons for acting the way she does.  She's highly emotional.  She's 4.  She's doing the best she can.  She's relying on me to teach her how to handle these intense feelings.
  Boy do I have a long road to hoe, but I know that there will be a confident, self-controlled young lady on the other end.
  The second part to this post is what I realized the other day.  I have always seen so much of me in A.  I can relate to a lot of her preferences because I felt the way she acts when I was a kid.  I just don't remember acting the way she does.  I always thought perhaps the reason my mom doesn't have any specific parenting tips to give me (other than the fact that I don't ask her) was because she just forgot how things were.
  A few memories came to mind, though, that helped shed a different light on things.  There are two times in my life that I can honestly remember (there are probably a few more than that, but not many) that I truly let loose and acted the way A acts with me.  In those instances, I remember being aware that Mom was close to the edge of "going crazy" (as I called her episodes), but I didn't care and just went ahead and threw a fit.
  Whoa...it hit me that I never had the solace that A has.  As a child my mother was never someone I could afford to let see me at my worst.  I knew that her love for me was conditional.  I couldn't lose that love, so I acted like an angel.
  I will say that my grandma gave me the closest thing I knew to unconditional love.  I wouldn't say that her love had strings attached, but she had mental problems of her own.  I don't think she would have loved me differently.  I do think she would have acted differently.  I learned early on what to say and what not to say.  Not for fear of making Grandma angry, but I knew that her response would have either confused me or taxed her mentally.  So, I censored myself around her too.
  The bright side of all of this is that the ability to cope with anxiety and depression seems to grow stronger from generation to generation.  Sure, I struggle with those disorders, but not like my mom and grandma.  Sure, A will be prone to depression and anxiety, but her arsenal will already have a few strategies in it that will help her deal with the issues she'll face.  Some of the strategies won't take any effort on her part because she and I have been working together on them since she was a toddler.  Some will take a conscious effort.  Then, there may be times she needs more help.  There may be times she needs to see a counselor regularly or take medication for a while.  And she'll grow up knowing that's ok.


  ~Alexis

Success!

  My last post was about how well I handled a crazy couple of weeks and this one follows in the same fashion.
  This week was kind of gross.  I won't go into great detail now (perhaps another post will be devoted to one day in particular--it was that bad!).
  Hubby was on a business trip from Tuesday through Friday.  My energy was lacking.  My patience was lacking.  I had a book club meeting at my house Thursday that I needed to clean the house for.  I was hosting a game day for my best friend's kids and my kids (two boys age 2 and two girls age 4) on Friday.  I really struggled with A on Wednesday and that left me drained.
  However, on top of all of that I noticed that the way I handled it all was amazing--especially when I compared it to how I would have handled it in the past.
  Used to I would have been cranky, felt overwhelmed, been depressed because I had too much to do and couldn't get it done, and would have been incredibly anxious about it all--sweating, unfocused, the whole package.
  This week, however (with the exception of Wednesday), I handled it all well. I didn't avoid my chores, wasn't tempted to just curl up on the couch and sleep it all away, wasn't scattered and sweaty!
  Wednesday night I went to bed at a decent hour (used to I would have stayed up late trying to clean and get caught up).  Thursday I was productive and I was looking forward to having all my friends over instead of stressing about it all.  I wasn't cleaning and distracted when everyone arrived.  I had everything ready and was focused.
  It felt amazing!
  It's times like that when I'm able to see that all of my counseling and chats with my husband and best friend have paid off and have really stuck!
  I know that I have a lot of strategies in my arsenal to fight depression and anxiety, but it's great to see that my subconscious has filed away all the talking and processing.
  There are certainly times when I have to make a very deliberate effort to do what I need to.  There was a time (and I still have days like this) when I had to force myself to eat breakfast, get the kids dressed, make lunches and snacks and it takes all my energy to stay awake and off the couch.  Thankfully those days have become fewer and farther between.
  There was a time when I never thought I'd be in this place.  I was too overwhelmed by normal, every-day life.  How in the world was I going to be able to to anything "extra" (have game days for/with my kids, plan fun surprises for friends/family, do something spontaneous, be truly organized and be able to plan ahead, etc.)?
  I am so happy to say I have finally reached the point in my life when I can do some "extras" and not lose focus and get overwhelmed.
  It's been quite the journey, though, full of pity parties, anxiety attacks, depression, strong emotions I didn't know how to handle, unhealthy relationships, guilt trips and such.  Thankfully the journey was also filled with good counselors, incredible friends, answered prayers and an amazing husband!
  I'm off to have a wonderful weekend, free of negatives and full of positive things!
 

Learning to Lean

  So after a great conversation with a good friend I feel a lot better about today.
I am hoping to be incredibly productive. More than that, I need to be productive. I need to prove to myself that I can do my work. I can fight the fatigue. I can find balance between being a mom, wife homemaker.
  So, in order to be able to accomplish all of this, I need to lean a bit on others. Some seem to view that as a weakness, I was one of those people up until a year or so ago. There was a time when I thought "good grief, it takes an army just to keep me functioning on a basic level!" and that just depressed me further.
  Now, however, I can see that asking for help is actually a sign of maturity. I am able to see where my limits are and acknowledge that I need a helping hand. Instead of pushing myself emotionally and physically to the point of exhaustion, I can reach out to people who care, and ask for help.
Not only does it help me get done what I need to, but it also strengthens that bond between myself and my friends and husband.
  Do you have any idea how hard this was for me to understand? It has taken me four years to get to this point, and I still struggle with it. Why should I ask for help when I feel like I have a better handle on things than I ever have before? The answer is simple: I still need help from time to time, as does everyone.
  So what is left to do? Reach out and ask!
  This past week my best friend came over to help me get things done. Sometimes I just need someone here to chat with and help chores seem less mundane. Sometimes I need someone to help keep the kids occupied and hold mine if they're having one of those "don't let my feet touch the ground" days. Other times I need someone to take everyone away so I can have the house to myself to pick up clutter and clean in peace and quiet. Then there are other times when I need someone to vacuum for me while I put laundry away, or wash the dishes while I dry them and put them up.
  The great news is that I have a great friend and an incredible husband who are always more than willing to help out.
  An incredibly intelligent person once (or perhaps a few hundred times) told me that a friendship takes two people to make it work (just like any relationship). Translation: I may not feel like I'm giving the other person anything in return for all that I ask/need, but I am giving something or else the friendship wouldn't have lasted as long and become as strong as it has!

  ~Alexis
  

Discouraged and such

  I had such a productive morning and the kids did great!  So now I'm wondering why I all the negative aspects of the day are catching up to me and making me feel overwhelmed...
  I am reading a great new fiction book and one hand it is an inspiration, and on the other hand it's intimidating.  I started writing my own young-adult fiction book and am stuck.  I just don't feel all that creative.  Some of my book is based on these insane stories my grandma told me when I was a kid.  I can tell those and add to them a bit and base characters on people I actually knew.  The problem arises when I need to create my own stuff.  My dream is to publish it some day, but then I pick up a good, well-written young-adult fiction book and I feel like my story can never be that good....
  Also, while today was productive, I didn't get much done inside the house.  The kids and I were gone all morning/early afternoon and then it was time to get dinner and get everyone ready for Church tonight so my housework didn't get done.  We're planning to be gone tomorrow morning for a bit too, and right now I just feel like I need to stay home and get things done here.
  THEN tonight at Church I was briefly mistaken for a lady who is probably 100lbs. heavier than I am--certainly a blow to my ego.  I know I'm not small, but I'm not that big!
  Anyway, I'm hoping a good night's rest will help me feel refreshed. 
  I desperately want to be an optimist, but it just doesn't come as naturally to me as it does to some.  Tonight is a great example.  I am trying hard to remind myself that today was overall a good day, and that tomorrow I can start afresh.  It's just a lot easier said than done.
  So, here's to hoping tomorrow my head is clear and I can focus on being positive!

  ~Alexis