Me, Homeschooling? Really?

  I mentioned a few posts back that we began home schooling A in December.  

  I don't want this post to be about our reasons for our decision (although I'll talk about them because they're relevant), but to focus on the wonderful progress A's made in such a short amount of time. 

  I am not an organized person.  There have been lots of times in A's life that I have thought I've got to be the worst mom for her because I don't run on a strict enough schedule, or I'm not tidy enough, or I'm too spontaneous.  One thing I never saw myself doing, Ever, was homeschooling either of my kids.  None of the aforementioned personality traits bode well for a homeschooling momma.  I did make one concession: if we were ever in the position where we felt we had to home school the kids, then I'd find a way to make it work.  In other words: I would do it if we were backed into an educational corner.

  

  Surprisingly that's not exactly what happened.  Over the past year I had become a bit more comfortable with the idea of homeschooling.  By this November, it was becoming apparent that A's anxiety was beginning to escalate.  Interestingly enough, I think it was due more to social and environmental anxieties than anything relating to academics.

  By the end of November The Hubby and I had made the decision to begin homeschooling A after her winter break.  It just made sense for her to finish the last 3 weeks of the semester.

  Unfortunately shortly after that, we came to the conclusion that the heightened levels of stress and anxiety were not worth enduring any longer.  So, as of December 2, A was officially a home schooled kiddo.

  Here are the changes I've seen in 2 months:

  

   While she's still melting down, her recovery time is amazing! Just last Monday I had to carry her, kicking and screaming, to the van, but by the time we got to where we were going (about a 20 minute drive) she had settled down and was able to participate in the activity.

  Yesterday she had a meltdown, but in 10 minutes she apologized.  Voluntarily.  As in, with no prompting on my end.  If you couldn't tell, I was floored!

  Her reading comprehension and fluency has taken off!  She wasn't having problems, but she has improved so quickly that I have to say it looks as though her anxiety was preventing her from reaching her full potential.

  Her self confidence is improving.

  She's happier.

  I've been able to see that social anxiety is much worse than I realized.

  I'm also seeing how severe her anxiety is.  My bestie has told me many times that had The Hubby and I not parented A the way we have over the past 5 years (using the strategies from "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk" and a few other wonderful books about connecting with kids), she wouldn't be as well adjusted as she is.

  There are times I hear her say that and I think "yeah, ok," but lately I've had a glimpse of how severe A's anxiety is and I can see the truth in that statement.

  There have been days (and will be plenty more, I'm sure), where I think "what was I thinking?!" but those are the days I can look back on journal entries, and this blog post and remember that we made the right decision!

  ~Alexis

   

One Amazing Kid

  So today something amazing happened.
  A woke up in a fantastic mood!  She voluntarily got dressed before she ate breakfast.
  She voluntarily, and cheerfully, wiped down the table without being asked.
  She opened up the pantry and came up with her own breakfast choices.

  Then later, the kids and I were walking into the garage to put toys away.  A was riding a cute little toy and accidentally ran over my ankle.
  It hurt badly enough that I yelped and took a moment to mourn the loss of a patch of skin.
  A apologized, and then an amazing thing happened.  She carried on about her business.
  A, the kid who, two days ago, would have glued herself to me and apologized incessantly.
  She apologized once. Once.

  I was torn between throwing a small pity party for myself, thinking "where are all my apologies?" and being amazed at my self confident little girl!
  Being the wonderful, supportive parent I am, I threw a 2 second pity party.  Then I rejoiced over the changes in my beautiful kid!

  Then again, at dinner, I was recapping my day for The Hubby, and when I mentioned the heel incident A said "it was an accident"...then she moved on.  No downward gaze.  No running over to me and grabbing my arm desperately.  No repeated apologies.

  Yay!  What a big step in the right direction!

~Alexis

Insight

  We've been struggling with  A's SPD again.  It's gotten pretty severe.  There are foods she's cut out of her diet (which was pretty limited before), clothes she used to wear but won't anymore, we're having problems with her socks and shoes again, she's becoming less and less independent.
  So I started searching for answers.  Again.  About this time last year I read "What Your Explosive Child is Trying to Tell You" and it struck a nerve.  It was then that I realized that transitions were a Huge trigger for A.  From there, around the first of the year I stumbled upon Sensory Processing Disorder and things fell into place.  A's life made sense now that I had this understanding of what she seemed to be experiencing.
  Now I'm looking seriously into food sensitivities and how they may be affecting A's behaviors.

  Whew, it's hard for me to look at the casein-free diet and not start to panic!  My grocery budget is small.  Specialty foods are expensive.  What will be left for A to eat?  And there are loads of other concerns, questions, etc.

  There are many times when I think A would have been better off with other parents.  Me, really?  The queen of disorganization?  The antithesis of structure?  Yeah, ok--A and I make a great team [please read that with heavy sarcasm].
  However, I have been reminded over the past few days that God really knows what He's doing.
  I also had a bit of insight as to why he may have given me A (or given her me).

  You see, some people can understand things with one explanation.  For others the learning curve is a bit longer.  Others still, have to be beaten over the head repeatedly before some things really sink in.
  I'm pretty sure that the majority of the time I fall into the latter category.
  In this case I'm thinking I've been blessed with A in order to force me to see that I am not a selfish person.  I have accepted structure and rigid routine in order to make my daughter's life better.  Even though the idea of doing a casein-free diet for A makes my stomach twist into knots, I'm still going to give it my all in order to see if it will help A.
  My actions are not motivated by selfishness, but by a deep love for another human being.  And that feels good.
  So when I start to get down about all the changes I've had to make in my life and start to think "Really?  I 'get' to make even more changes after all I've already done?!" I can remind myself that God would not have blessed me with the beautiful daughter that I have if I couldn't handle her and make her life better!  I can also look at my daughter and have a constant reminder that I am not a selfish person, no matter what anyone says.

  ~Alexis

A Fine Line

  Today I had my second appointment with my new therapist.
  Let me start by saying that my attitude going into my first one with her a week ago was not one of excitement.  My favorite phrase was "You do Not mess with a depressed (or otherwise emotionally/mentally disturbed) person's therapist!"  However, due to some changes in insurance, I was forced to say good-bye to Deb--my favorite therapist thus far.
  Surprisingly enough, my first appointment with Jeanine was "ok," while I was a bit disappointed in the outcome of the session (as in, I felt worse than when I went in), I was not directing my annoyance toward Jeanine.  I was able to see that she is competent at her job and will suffice as replacement for Deb.
  I did make another appointment with Jeanine for today, and I wasn't sure I was going to keep it, but I did.  And, I say this grudgingly, I'm glad I did.
  We touched on something at the very end of the session that I think will be incredibly hard to deal with and work through, but I'm confident that I will be a happier person on the other side.  So, not only am I now going to group therapy next week (which I was ADAMANTLY against in the beginning), but I have a third appointment with her next Friday.
  That brings me to the title of my post.
  Thanks to Jeanine (and I say that with appreciation, not bitterness) I was able to see that perhaps I have a "core belief" that was instilled in me as a child and it's going to be a process to overcome it, but it is possible. As Jeanine put it, I am on a precipice.  Not one I'm going to fall off of in a depressed stupor, but one that I will be able to spread my wings and eventually fly away from.
  I have a suspicion I know what my negative (and for some, it's a positive one) core belief is, however, that will be material for another post.
  My focus for now is that it boils down to the way my mom cared for me.  Something I was conditioned to believe through implicit behaviors/actions on her part, as well as explicit words that were spoken.
  While I feel that I have truly forgiven Mom for the things that happened in my childhood, and harbor no more bitterness towards her, I was reminded that damage was done.  And, now I get to work hard to overcome all that garbage.
  On my drive home, I realized there is a fine line between blaming someone and making excuses for them.  It's called Acceptance.
  I found myself not wanting to blame Mom for the money and tears I am spending on fixing all this--that just makes room for bitterness to creep back in.  But then I started thinking "she couldn't help it" and that just irritated me. People used to say that to me all the time when I was growing up and it made me so mad!  She could help it if she wanted--there were doctors and therapists who could have helped her, but she never sought them out.  And there I went back to blaming her for the consequences of her actions/inaction.
  So, which end should I lean toward?  Which was "healthiest"?  Neither, of course.
  I realized I needed to accept the fact that yes, the things Mom said and did (or didn't do or say) affect me now.  And, while she could have done things different, she didn't--whether she couldn't or just wouldn't doesn't really matter.
  However, as I demonstrated above, that line called Acceptance that separates blame and excusing is a very thin one and will be easy to find myself trying to cross it as I work on this next step to bettering my mental health.
  Wish me luck!  I will be going to my appointments next week with mixed feelings: excitement, relief, and dread.
  I'm also happy to say that Jeanine will be a good addition to my support team.


  ~Alexis