Birthdays. Who Knew?

  A just had a birthday, but the preparation for it began months ago.
  I don't mean the prep on my end. Sure, I am making a Ton of things for the party, but I began my projects about a month before the party--so I'm in pretty good shape.
  It was the preparation on A's part that wasn't coming together well.
  A few weeks ago that I noticed an increase in meltdowns.  Thankfully I was able to see that they weren't as bad as they used to be, but they still left me scratching my head.  She was clinging to our routine, and the smallest change was Not acceptable.
The problem was that I couldn't see what had changed.

  I finally did some analyzing and realized that these meltdowns were similar to her "transition meltdowns" (going from one activity to another was a big deal) that we struggled with desperately  when she was younger.    

  After thinking about it, I had a major Light Bulb moment!  She was afraid to turn 8.  She was scared of her birthday.  It made total sense to me!  Anxiety stems from a fear of the unknown.  She's never been 8.  She is the first one of her group of friends to turn 8.  From anxiety's point of view, there are tons of unknown variables involved with age and unknown = scary.

  I resorted to what I do best, and began research.  Guess what?  There aren't any fantastic books (parenting or juvenile fiction) to help prepare a kid to be 8--or any age.  Several parents on an SPD Facebook page said they have the same problem, but no one had answers.
  I e-mailed A's therapist, and started brain storming.  All of a sudden, I realized the answer was incredibly simple.  I decided to just ask her.  I chose a time when she and I were sitting at the kitchen table together and the house was quiet.  She was working on an art project, and I was working on some birthday party stuffs.  I just said "So, A, how do you feel about turning 8?"
  She stiffened a bit and said "When's my next Paula [her counselor] appointment?"
  It obviously bothered her, so I dropped it--as far as talking about it goes, anyway.  Instead, I made an appointment for her with Paula that week (instead of waiting another week for her next appointment), and then I made a point to comment on all the "Big Kid" things she was doing.  She has made her own drawings and snowflakes as decorations for her party, she made an incredible tent in her room, she asked me to teach her how to sew and I did (and she totally rocked it!).
  I made a point to say, "Wow, you're so ready to be 8," or "Building a tent like that is definitely something an 8 year old would do." I could see her self confidence increase, and then I heard it.  I asked if I could take a picture of her and the amazing tent to post on Facebook, and she said, "Sure.  And I'll look proud of myself because I am proud of myself."
  Let me tell you, that was one Proud Momma moment for me!  Internally I was cheering and turning cartwheels.  But on the outside I just smiled, took the picture, and posted it.
  She's an amazing kid and she's going to rock this whole being 8 business!

Quality Time

  A loves to spend time with me.  Just me.  She loves to play dollies, Barbies, and house.

  I love my kid and I love spending time with her, but those are not my favorite things to do.

  The other day she requested we spend some "Girly Time" together.  I fought back a grimace and agreed.  She picked the activities and I really, genuinely enjoyed myself.

  

  She decided to play a memory game she made up with her yoga cards.   

  During this time I was reminded what a great kid I have!  It's so easy for me to lose sight of that.

  For one, I saw that she has a wonderful memory.  One day she will be fantastic at Catch Phrase (one of my favorite games) or other similar games/hobbies.  I was surprised at how awesome she is at coming up with different ways to describe something.
  Interestingly enough, as I write this I am even more amazed at this newly uncovered ability.  When she was just starting to talk one of the biggest meltdown triggers was her inability to come up with other ways to help me figure out what she was saying.  She was unable to give me the context of what she was talking about, or even use a different word to give me a clue and help me out.  I got two chances on a good day (mostly I only got one) to figure out what she was saying.  Even when she was 4 I was constantly reminding her to use her words, and it was still a struggle.
  How amazing it is for me to see this part of her unlocked and free, and realize this is one of her strengths!

  As we were playing, I noticed her body language was stress-free.  Her brow wasn't furrowed, her muscles weren't tense, and her eyes were clear of worry.  It was then I saw how beautiful she is.  I saw her warm, caring brown eyes.  I saw her hair for its beautiful waves and dark color--not the mess of tangles I'm used to fighting her about brushing.

  This is why we're sticking with therapy, nudging her out of her comfort zone, coming to terms with our 7 yo seeing a psychiatrist, and are ok with medicating her.
  

  Catching a glimpse of A, the true A, is rare.  Her beautiful personality has been overshadowed by overwhelming anxiety.
   There's a wonderful kid under all of this emotion and we're seeing more and more of her.  Words will never be able to describe how happy that makes me.

  I was also able to see that despite all of these meltdowns, stressful days, and moments when I doubt myself, I must be doing something right!

  ~Alexis

Good Day? Bad Day? You decide.

  Lately A has been a bit obsessive about asking how she's been doing throughout the day and how I think the day has gone.  Has it been a good day?  Have she and Bug done a good job?
  It took me a while to catch on, but I finally realized that she's worried about getting in trouble.

  Her primary concern is that I'll give The Hubby a negative report about her behavior when he gets home from work.  Of course, I think she also wants to stay in my good graces and stay out of trouble.

  No kid likes being in trouble (at least they don't start out enjoying it... some do seem to seek it out, but it's usually  because that's the only way they know to get the attention they crave).  As with many things for A, she's just beyond the range of what's considered "normal" for kids.  She's becoming obsessed with it because she can't stand the suspense of not knowing the answers to the questions that constantly run through her head: "Will I get in trouble?  Will Daddy be upset with me?  Will Mommy have to talk to me?"

  "Has it been a good day?" is a hard question for me to answer.  Most of our days have ups and downs.  Some days I really have to search for the ups while other days they're really obvious, but I refuse to leave her with the impression that she's a bad kid, or that she's the reason it's been a bad day.
  Her behavior definitely affects how I feel about the day.  Some days I can handle her meltdowns.  Other days something that was big to her, was just barely a blip on my radar.  And, yet, other days I can't rebound because I feel too bogged down from helping her through her behaviors, staying caught up on my own emotional stuff, and keeping the house running.

  So how do I handle this?
  Thankfully I have a wonderful bestie to bounce ideas off of.
  I now keep a dry-erase board with two columns.  On one side is a smiley face, and the other is a sad face.  I make sure to have at least one positive thing from our day on the board at the end of the day.  Now when she asks me how the day has been, I can show her the board and she can decide for herself.  My hope is that she'll focus on the positives (which I can reinforce by talking them up) and be encouraged to repeat them in the future.
  I also love the fact that at the end of the day we erase the board.  That's primarily her job, but sometimes we forget and I do it.  How symbolic and meaningful is it for her to wipe away her "transgressions" (to her that's how major they feel)?
  The Hubby saw the board and asked what it was all about, so I explained it to him.  Later that evening I gave A the board to erase and The Hubby asked if we were going to sit down and talk about the things that were on it.
  I just smiled at A and said "nope.  We don't need to talk about it.  It's just so A can decide how the day has gone."

  The other day she asked me how I thought the day was going (mind you she almost always asks after she's been acting out).  I directed her to the board.  At first she refused and was adamant that I tell her what I thought about the day.  I gave her the same set answer "you can go look and decide how the day has gone" and after a few times of hearing that, she did go look.
  I could tell she felt better!

  ~Alexis

Me, Homeschooling? Really?

  I mentioned a few posts back that we began home schooling A in December.  

  I don't want this post to be about our reasons for our decision (although I'll talk about them because they're relevant), but to focus on the wonderful progress A's made in such a short amount of time. 

  I am not an organized person.  There have been lots of times in A's life that I have thought I've got to be the worst mom for her because I don't run on a strict enough schedule, or I'm not tidy enough, or I'm too spontaneous.  One thing I never saw myself doing, Ever, was homeschooling either of my kids.  None of the aforementioned personality traits bode well for a homeschooling momma.  I did make one concession: if we were ever in the position where we felt we had to home school the kids, then I'd find a way to make it work.  In other words: I would do it if we were backed into an educational corner.

  

  Surprisingly that's not exactly what happened.  Over the past year I had become a bit more comfortable with the idea of homeschooling.  By this November, it was becoming apparent that A's anxiety was beginning to escalate.  Interestingly enough, I think it was due more to social and environmental anxieties than anything relating to academics.

  By the end of November The Hubby and I had made the decision to begin homeschooling A after her winter break.  It just made sense for her to finish the last 3 weeks of the semester.

  Unfortunately shortly after that, we came to the conclusion that the heightened levels of stress and anxiety were not worth enduring any longer.  So, as of December 2, A was officially a home schooled kiddo.

  Here are the changes I've seen in 2 months:

  

   While she's still melting down, her recovery time is amazing! Just last Monday I had to carry her, kicking and screaming, to the van, but by the time we got to where we were going (about a 20 minute drive) she had settled down and was able to participate in the activity.

  Yesterday she had a meltdown, but in 10 minutes she apologized.  Voluntarily.  As in, with no prompting on my end.  If you couldn't tell, I was floored!

  Her reading comprehension and fluency has taken off!  She wasn't having problems, but she has improved so quickly that I have to say it looks as though her anxiety was preventing her from reaching her full potential.

  Her self confidence is improving.

  She's happier.

  I've been able to see that social anxiety is much worse than I realized.

  I'm also seeing how severe her anxiety is.  My bestie has told me many times that had The Hubby and I not parented A the way we have over the past 5 years (using the strategies from "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk" and a few other wonderful books about connecting with kids), she wouldn't be as well adjusted as she is.

  There are times I hear her say that and I think "yeah, ok," but lately I've had a glimpse of how severe A's anxiety is and I can see the truth in that statement.

  There have been days (and will be plenty more, I'm sure), where I think "what was I thinking?!" but those are the days I can look back on journal entries, and this blog post and remember that we made the right decision!

  ~Alexis