Let The Good Times Roll

  There has been much drama in my life lately and it's been stealing my sunshine.
  I decided to drag the family on a vacation (not really, we were all actually excited to go!) so I could re-center myself.  My focus needs to be My immediate family: The Hubby, A, and Bug...and me, of course.
  It's been hard to keep that perspective with so many other things trying to demand chunks of my time.
  Vacation was just what we needed.  Even though we were tired when we got home, we had a wonderful week together.  No other worries, just spending time with each other!
  Things have been falling into place for me since our return home.
  I was really struggling with A and found myself doing more research, reading, digging, discussing, etc, to try to find a solution.
  She grew 1.5 inches in about 5 months, and as a result, her psychiatrist increased her anxiety medicine about 3 months ago in order to catch up with her growth spurt.
  I saw some difference at first, then we stalled out, but the last 4 days have been amazing!
  A has been happy.  Genuinely happy for more than 30 percent of the day!  She's giggling, making up her own jokes, and acting goofy.  Quite honestly, the first day she was like that, I was convinced I was living in the Twilight Zone.  It really threw me off not having to tiptoe around her.
  She has been taking initiative.  This kid who had to be regularly coerced into doing even the piddliest of chores is now racing me to the kitchen so she can set the table without being asked.  She's putting away laundry without being asked.  She's cleaning up without being asked.  Notice a trend?  Initiative.
  A has been helpful.  She has done what I ask when I ask without whining and carrying on like I'm killing her.
  She has been affectionate.  Running up to me, The Hubby, and Bug at random times and giving us hugs, kisses, or words of encouragement--"You're the best little brother, ever!"
  Honestly, even her hugs and kisses were awkward for me because it was so foreign.  She's never enjoyed giving or receiving kisses--I always assumed it was an SPD thing.  Perhaps it still is, but it's obviously not as big a deal anymore.
  It's times like this when I remind myself *this* is why I never stopped asking questions, digging, searching, and getting evaluations when I wasn't happy with the answers I was getting.
  *This* is why I sort through my own traumas and work hard in my counseling sessions: so I can be there for A and support her like I need to.
  *This* is why I'm ok with my 7.5 year old seeing a therapist regularly, being on anxiety medication, and seeing a psychiatrist.
  *This* is the A who has been buried under SPD, anxiety, timidity, etc.
  I live for moments when I get to see that precious, kind-hearted baby girl.
  The last 4 days have been well worth all the struggles we have endured together over the years.
  I love my little girl!

Hello Monday!!

  Ok, so technically today is Tuesday.  I must admit, I forgot about posting yesterday.  Oops!
  But I'm only one day off, so I thought I'd go ahead and post for the weekly segment =)

  This week I am saying Hello!! to:

• Getting the ball rolling on taking care of A's cross bite, even though it's not going to be an easy process for her (or us...).
• Making some potentially hard personal discoveries that will help take care of these anxiety-induced chest pains.
• My birthday.
• Doing some more spring cleaning and organizing.
• Crocheting.  I have a fun project I've been working on for the kiddos in my life and am looking forward to Finishing it!

  What are You saying Hello!! to this week?

  ~Alexis

Hello Monday!

  Good morning!
  I'm not sure what the weather is like where you are, but it snowed and sleeted here.  Again.  It's done that enough this winter that even A is ready to see the snow go!
  But in keeping with the optimism of this segment,  I shall focus on the positives of this week (even the snow has it perks).

  Here is what I am looking forward to this week:

• Playing in the snow with the kids
• Crocheting a few small projects
• Tapping into my creativity to make some changes our master bedroom
• Taking care of some more de-cluttering
• Getting into a good home-schooling groove 

  What are You saying hello to today?

  ~Alexis

Hello Monday!

  So I entered a cool challenge for bloggers here.  It's called Boost Your Blog in 100 Days, and I thought it'd be a fantastic way for me to do a bit of networking among bloggers--and it has.
  It has been neat to read other blogs, get ideas for my own, and see different points of view.

  I found one idea that I liked a lot, so I thought I'd snag it and incorporate it into Living One Day at a Time.  The idea: a blog post titled "Hello Monday!" (when I first saw the title, I thought perhaps it was a satire about miserable Mondays.  But it wasn't, and I was ok with that!) that highlights what the blogger is looking forward to in the up-coming week.  I found this all right here, thanks Lisa!

  So today will be my first "Hello Monday!!" post.

  Today I am looking forward to:

•  Spending one more week with my kiddos before the babysitting comes on again full swing.
• Being able to keep some appointments that I would normally have to reschedule because of babysitting kiddos.
• Taking care of other not-so-fun-but-necessary jobs.
• Taking A to her counseling appointment.
• Enjoying a date night with The Hubby!

  Haha, apparently there's a theme: keeping appointments! 

  So what are YOU looking forward to this week?

  ~Alexis

One Amazing Kid

  So today something amazing happened.
  A woke up in a fantastic mood!  She voluntarily got dressed before she ate breakfast.
  She voluntarily, and cheerfully, wiped down the table without being asked.
  She opened up the pantry and came up with her own breakfast choices.

  Then later, the kids and I were walking into the garage to put toys away.  A was riding a cute little toy and accidentally ran over my ankle.
  It hurt badly enough that I yelped and took a moment to mourn the loss of a patch of skin.
  A apologized, and then an amazing thing happened.  She carried on about her business.
  A, the kid who, two days ago, would have glued herself to me and apologized incessantly.
  She apologized once. Once.

  I was torn between throwing a small pity party for myself, thinking "where are all my apologies?" and being amazed at my self confident little girl!
  Being the wonderful, supportive parent I am, I threw a 2 second pity party.  Then I rejoiced over the changes in my beautiful kid!

  Then again, at dinner, I was recapping my day for The Hubby, and when I mentioned the heel incident A said "it was an accident"...then she moved on.  No downward gaze.  No running over to me and grabbing my arm desperately.  No repeated apologies.

  Yay!  What a big step in the right direction!

~Alexis

Parenting--takin' it to the next level

  I have been changing and maturing over the years.  I have done lots of self work, have sought therapists and professionals to help me overcome my emotional struggles, I have ended toxic friendships and nurtured positive relationships.  I have grown as a Christian, a wife, a mother, and a daughter.
  Over the past few days I have discovered that I am entering another level of parenting I never knew existed.
  As I have discussed on this blog, I am constantly looking for ways to help my kids. I take A to counseling appointments, psychiatrist appointments, I  read books about childhood anxiety, I have set a strict (for me) routine for our days so she doesn't feel overwhelmed.  I have become an expert on SPD, building my relationship with A, and loving her in the way She needs to be loved (instead of the way I think she should be shown love).
  I make sure Bug is allowed to be a boy.  I try hard not to cringe when he makes a disgusting mess.  I let him have the opportunity to run, jump, and rough house.  The Hubby and I have done what it takes to make sure Bug gets to go to preschool.  I push him out of his comfort zone within reason.  I do my best to make sure he knows it's OK for boys to cry.
  I have endured some uncomfortable counseling appointments in order to be a better mother, wife, and person.

  So what else could there possibly be to parenting?
  I've been getting bogged down lately with all the negative things going on in my life.  I keep thinking back to when I was in high school and how simple life seemed then (in hindsight, of course.  In reality, I was stressed out then and handling things much worse than I do now!).
  The more I thought, the more I realized that it's this parenting gig that's hard.  I see friends on facebook who are single parents and are trying their hardest just to survive life.  Their lives are not what they would have envisioned for themselves, and yet here they are.  Struggling.  Plodding along.  Doing their best for their kids, so those children may have a better chance of living the life they want.
  Everyone says a parent's life changes when her child is born.
  Of course my life changed when we had A.  I had a precious child who was dependent on me for everything.

  Now, however, I'm discovering that I'm no longer living my life for me.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not blurring the line between where A stops and I begin.  I'm not pushing my fears and dreams on to her (or Bug for that matter).
  My life is no longer necessarily about what Alexis wants to do.  It's about weighing what is best for my entire family.  I don't feel that I've necessarily been selfish up to this point in my life, but I do feel that my perspective needed some tweaking.
  The choices I make now impact me and my children (and my husband, too).
  I can make bad choices and I can reap the negative consequences.  I also leave my kids with that bad example to reference as they grow up.
  Or, I can make good choices, and A and Bug can have that positive influence guiding their thoughts as they go throughout life.
  Of course no one is perfect and over the span of my life I will make some poor choices.  However, I pray that my soul will be humble and willing to do what it takes to make things right in the sight of those around me, as well as in the sight of God.


  Looking at parenting and life from that perspective makes me smile.  Sure it's hard, but my kids, my life, and our souls are worth it!
  So instead of focusing on how hard life is right now, I think I'm gonna look at what an amazing person I have become because I'm a parent!

  ~Alexis

Empowering A

 We have added dairy/casein back into A's diet to see how it affects her now.  I geared up for the worst and even saw my doctor about an anxiety med for me.
  The first few days she mentioned several physical ailments returning (tummy aches and being tired were the two big ones).  I was still preparing myself for a nightmarish couple of weeks.
  Much to my surprise the first week went by and she handled herself very well!  There were a few times when I could tell she was over stimulated and she got upset, but she never had a big meltdown.
  I have been so very proud of her!  We've been off schedule and she and Bug spent a weekend with their Nonny and she has been amazing!

  Today I was able to give myself a pat on the back.

  Yesterday morning while we brushing her hair she started to meltdown, but she was able to stop herself.  She looked at me and calmly said "Mommy, can I push you over?"
  Let me insert this: that's a game we play where I crouch down and we put our palms together and she pushes against me...eventually I let her push me over and we give each other a big bear hug.  This helps give her a decent amount of proprioceptive input and helps her system to sort of reset so she's not so overloaded.
  Wow!  She asked?  Calmly?  At 5:45 in the morning?
  So she pushed me over and was fantastic after that!  As we walked to the bus stop I asked her how her morning was.  She gave it 2 thumbs up.  She said she decided she needed to push me over so she could calm down.
  Seriously, who is this kid?

  This evening after dinner she ran in and jumped on the trampoline and as she was jumping she told me her tummy hurt so she thought she'd try the trampoline.  She also said that if the trampoline didn't work that she'd try pushing me over.
  This problem solving and coming up with Her Own solution (not to mention thinking through several ideas vs. just one!) is amazing for me to see.
  When I see her doing something thoughtful for someone else (which is becoming a common occurrence instead of something she is coached through from time to time ), finding her own solutions to problems, and coaching herself through a moment of sensory overload makes my heart swell with pride for her!
  I also realize that I am doing a stinkin' good job at this parenting gig!  I may not be perfect, but I am trying.  I am doing what I think is best for my kiddos.  I am succeeding.  And my kids are thriving!
  That makes this momma happy!

  ~Alexis

Positivity!

  I've been struggling a LOT lately.
  I've been dealing with more anxiety/panic.
  I even had to cancel having company last weekend because I couldn't get my act together and clean the house.
  I'm hosting an event this weekend.  At my house. Re-scheduling is not an option.  Monday I was doing ok, but then yesterday I started slowing down and today was basically at a standstill.
  Bleh!
  So this morning as I sat on the couch trying to decide whether I wanted to sleep or force myself to be *productive* (which would have resulted in me wandering aimlessly through the house until I convinced myself to just give in and sleep), I decided to spend some time in prayer.  When I was done, a brilliant realization hit me:  I haven't been exercising like I need to.  A little goes a long way for me, so I jumped on the trampoline for 5 minutes and already felt better.
   I was more clear-headed and my mood was brighter.
   I was able to come up with a game plan for the first part of my day and got going!
   I also found my thoughts became more positive and clearer.  I began to remind myself that while cleaning is a struggle for me, I am a good mother and wife.  I have maintained a casein-free diet for A for almost 3 months and have also made her gluten free for 2 weeks.  Gluten was VERY intimidating for me, so for me to stick with it is Awesome--and it doesn't help that A's favorite foods are Full of gluten.  Again, for me to be firm and make the commitment is Amazing!
  I should be proud of that!
  I have also been focusing on my marriage.  Don't get me wrong, the Hubby and I have a really good relationship, but it's still easy for him to get put on hold because I have two rather demanding kiddos!  However, making sure I do things for him, no matter how small, helps keep that relationship strong and I have been making the effort to do just that.

  So, while this is probably painfully obvious to you, I have a hard time seeing that being a good wife and mother goes deeper than the amount of time I spend cleaning.
  This is certainly a blog post I can refer to later! It's a good reminder to me, as well as anyone else who struggles with the same negative thoughts about self worth.

  ~Alexis

Finding "Me"

  Whew, so, naturally lots has been happening.  I've been busy processing life, doing "self work" and keeping up with my daily activities.
  A few weeks ago I got a really helpful homework handout at one of my Group Therapy sessions.
  It's called "Finding Your True Self" and so far it's taken me two separate sittings to read it, and I'm still not done.  There's lots of info in it, and I find myself getting sleepy...which I have discovered means I need to take a mental break from things (unless, of course, there's a physical reason I should be tired).
  It made such a positive impact on me, that I found myself writing poetry!  Now, obviously I love to write, but I have Never been interested in poetry.  The meanings of the poems always had to be very obvious in order for me to understand them, and I had no interest in writing any.
  However, one day I was resting and found myself thinking about the "Me" I was meant to be.  I am quite a creative person, I tend to be more optimistic now, I'm pretty funny, am very passionate, etc.  As I was consciously, mindfully relaxing my body I found myself composing a poem.
  I found so much freedom in being able to come up with My Own (positive) adjectives to describe myself!

  What a liberating moment!  As I spent the following days focusing on that, I noticed I was happier!  I felt happier, I was more productive, my family was happier, I felt more in control, etc.  It was amazing.
  Then, as life goes, I was bombarded on an emotional front.
  As I "dealt" I realized I was beginning to withdraw and dissociate.  Ugh!
  But I picked up my handout again and guess what it covered next??  Dissociation!
  It was incredibly helpful and insightful.

  As the handout goes on, though, it gets deeper.  The only "problem" with that is it requires more time and focus and I find myself getting tired quicker because I'm emotionally spent.  Blah!
  The Self is discussed on three levels: the self as awareness, self as context, and the observing self.  This last one is one that I am struggling with--I've discovered I've unintentionally fragmented my Self.

  The idea is to come to the realization that there is a part of us that is the same throughout our lives.  The "Me" who was once an infant, grew to be the "Me" at age 5, and is the same "Me" now.  Obviously things change: physical appearance, philosophies, etc.  But there has to be something that remains the same, or else there's nothing keeping Me, Me (I told you it got deep!).

   Well, here's the rub.  As I thought more about it, I realized that it doesn't seem like the garbage/trauma I experienced as a child really happened to me.  I'm far enough removed from it now, that it seems surreal.  However, deep down (must be my Observer Self kicking it up) I know it did happen to me.  Unfortunately it's like I've divided myself into thirds: my childhood, my young adulthood and me now.  Instead of keeping the fluidity and cohesiveness of life going, I've chopped it up.  As a result I slip into these episodes of dissociation and I have never realized my True self.

  I certainly have things to think about, and I have about three more handouts to work through.  Yay!

  ~Alexis

Insight

  We've been struggling with  A's SPD again.  It's gotten pretty severe.  There are foods she's cut out of her diet (which was pretty limited before), clothes she used to wear but won't anymore, we're having problems with her socks and shoes again, she's becoming less and less independent.
  So I started searching for answers.  Again.  About this time last year I read "What Your Explosive Child is Trying to Tell You" and it struck a nerve.  It was then that I realized that transitions were a Huge trigger for A.  From there, around the first of the year I stumbled upon Sensory Processing Disorder and things fell into place.  A's life made sense now that I had this understanding of what she seemed to be experiencing.
  Now I'm looking seriously into food sensitivities and how they may be affecting A's behaviors.

  Whew, it's hard for me to look at the casein-free diet and not start to panic!  My grocery budget is small.  Specialty foods are expensive.  What will be left for A to eat?  And there are loads of other concerns, questions, etc.

  There are many times when I think A would have been better off with other parents.  Me, really?  The queen of disorganization?  The antithesis of structure?  Yeah, ok--A and I make a great team [please read that with heavy sarcasm].
  However, I have been reminded over the past few days that God really knows what He's doing.
  I also had a bit of insight as to why he may have given me A (or given her me).

  You see, some people can understand things with one explanation.  For others the learning curve is a bit longer.  Others still, have to be beaten over the head repeatedly before some things really sink in.
  I'm pretty sure that the majority of the time I fall into the latter category.
  In this case I'm thinking I've been blessed with A in order to force me to see that I am not a selfish person.  I have accepted structure and rigid routine in order to make my daughter's life better.  Even though the idea of doing a casein-free diet for A makes my stomach twist into knots, I'm still going to give it my all in order to see if it will help A.
  My actions are not motivated by selfishness, but by a deep love for another human being.  And that feels good.
  So when I start to get down about all the changes I've had to make in my life and start to think "Really?  I 'get' to make even more changes after all I've already done?!" I can remind myself that God would not have blessed me with the beautiful daughter that I have if I couldn't handle her and make her life better!  I can also look at my daughter and have a constant reminder that I am not a selfish person, no matter what anyone says.

  ~Alexis

The Optimist in Me

  Whew, so it's been about 7 months since I've blogged.  Of course there's a reason beyond "I just didn't make time" and there's no doubt those issues will be scattered throughout future posts.
  For now, however, I would love to give a "brief" overview.
  Are ya ready?  Good, 'cause here we go:  Hubby was laid off 6 months ago.  A started kindergarten.  Our computer had a virus and while a friend had it to look at and hopefully fix it, their house was broken into and our laptop was among the items stolen (it had most of Bug's baby pictures on it and most of the book I had started writing).  I started an SPD support group.  My only biological uncle passed away unexpectedly in August.  My mom got evicted from her apartment.  A's SPD meltdowns have skyrocketed and she started eliminating foods that she deemed acceptable to eat (it was already a limited list, to begin with).  I started a business with a company called Celebrating Home.  Hubby and I started cleaning our congregation's Church house. Hubby got a job after being laid off for 6 months, but his new job is rather demanding time-wise.  One of my cousins is expecting and now has to deal with the recent loss of her dad (my cousins lost their mom about 10 years ago).  My depression has flared up off and on, and so has the anxiety.
  Well, I think that's about everything.
  Looking over that list it's hard to believe it all occurred in 6 months!
  There were certainly times when I felt like things couldn't get any worse.  There were times when I wasn't stressed and I thought I should be.  There were times when all I wanted to do was sleep!
  I find myself counting my blessings frequently.  When my uncle passed away I was glad that financial stress was all we had to deal with.
  When A has her meltdowns now, I can look back and remember a time in her life when the meltdowns were worse and I was at a loss and had no strategies to help us through them.
  When I think about the sentimental things we lost on the computer, I remind myself that one day--in eternity-- they won't matter, so I try not to focus on that.
  We have several means of income and while they're not ideal, they're what we have and we're thankful for that.
  So, while things aren't exactly what we would have chosen, we have each other, we have our health and we have an amazing support group and for that we will forever be grateful!
  It seems that I can over come my natural "instinct" for negative thinking--it takes a bit of work and a change in perspective--but it is possible.
  Yay!

  ~Alexis

Books, books, books!

I went to a used book store today and boy did I have a great time!
I was looking through the parenting section for a few SPD books I wanted. Even though I didn't find the two books I was looking for, I did find six others that sound good.
None of them deal with SPD, but it certainly won't hurt to read them.
As I looked back through my stack I noticed a theme: self esteem. That's one thing I think A has lacked throughout her life (all 5 years of it). She used to act like a dog that got beaten all the time. When I would get onto her she would cower. I was not prone to yelling (neither is her daddy). And sure we spank, but we never used it to threaten her with and we barely had to use it as a form of discipline because she minded us so well.
Even now she still has a very obvious comfort zone when it comes to people. She doesn't like to ask certain people for something or even tell them things. Just recently she accidentally threw her plastic plate in the trash at lunch. She wanted to tell me, but refused to do it with her daddy listening. It was an accident! She wasn't even remotely close to getting in trouble and yet she would only tell me in private!
So many of A's behaviors can be attributed to her SPD, but there are also many things that would have been part of her even without the SPD. I'm pretty sure this is one of those things. She would just naturally have been more timid than other kiddos.
It's certainly something I think she's improving on. Used to she would only meltdown for me and was perfect around everyone else. On one hand, that's every parent's dream: everyone thinking your kid is a perfect angel. On the other hand, however, I wanted other people to see what I had to deal with! I wanted someone else to see how hard it was to parent A. There were many times during her meltdowns that I would be tempted to call my husband or best friend just to let them hear what I dealt with on a regular basis (there were a few times I actually made those calls)! I think that her new found boldness is a result of her becoming more confident and comfortable with who she is. Yay!
Unfortunately I am not a naturally optimistic person and depression runs rampant on both sides of her family tree, so teaching A optimism is not something that I will be able to model well for her. If I can change the way I think (something I've worked on in counseling) and thus help change the way Ava thinks then she's already years ahead of other people!
So today as I saw these titles about self esteem and raising positive, optimistic kids I just couldn't pass them up!
I want to be an advocate for A. I want to be able to be her voice when she is too young or too intimidated to be able to speak up for herself. I also want her to learn how to be an advocate for herself.
I'm looking forward to having a better outlook on life and now I have more motivation--it's not just for me, it's for A too!

  ~Alexis

Why not?

  Yesterday was a great day!  The main reason it was so great is that I have tapped into my well of creativity.  I have always loved to write, but I stuck to non-fiction.  I loved journalism and the idea of making a difference in some one's life through an article I had written.  Within the past year or two I began to entertain the idea of writing a young-adult fiction (YAF) book.  Talk about stepping way out of my box!  My book was going to be based on these insane stories my grandmother told me when I was a kid.  So, I began to write.
  I love to read YAF and have noticed that one thing that makes the good books good is that they're based on "truths" (mythology, folklore, etc.).  So I began to research my topic and realized that Grandma's stories were going to have to change in order for the book to be what I wanted it to be.  That's how it started, and then next thing I knew, the story became mine!  Grandma's stories served as a great inspiration, but the book now has little to do with what she told me.
  I feel so liberated!  Who knew I had the ability to create a YAF story?  I certainly didn't think I had it in me.  The reason I was going to base it on Grandma's stories was that I was sure I couldn't create my own.  I had a very small, comfy box that I liked.  Unfortunately fear and doubt weren't making much room for me in that box.  Now that I took the first step (rather unintentionally) in making my book mine I feel like I can really write and it feels great.
  I am currently reading a book about a woman who lost her identity through her roles as a wife and mother and she is now struggling to rediscover who she was and wants to be.
  I certainly don't feel like I have ever lost my identity--I love who I am.  I do, however, think that through the negative thinking that comes with depression and even anxiety, I severely limited myself in who I could become.
  Before, my life was full of "I'd sure love to...but I can't/I'm too scared/that's just not my kind of thing" thoughts. 
  Sure I tend to be timid, but lately I've been saying "why not?" instead of "I can't."  As a result, I now go mountain biking (albeit, on the easier kinds of trails--but I'm mountain biking!).  A year ago I walked the trails that my husband would bike and I'd look at the uneven paths, rocks, creeks, etc. and think "how is this fun?  I could never do that!" and then one day I thought "why not?" and I went for it!  So what if I'd had to walk my bike and people saw me?  So what if I fell?
  Just like with my book, sure I'd love for it to be a best seller, but if it's not that's ok.  I want to be able to say "I went for it!"  It's funny because I'll go back and read articles I wrote for journalism classes over the years, and even previous chapters in my book and I'll think "wow, that's good!  I wrote that?" and it's obvious that I've spent a good 10 years if not more selling myself short.
  So, today started out draggy and I felt extremely fatigued--but simply thinking about my book and being able to look forward to working on it later today gives me the drive I need to get things done.
  It's tempting to look at the massive pile of laundry that's been waiting days to be put away and think "I can't do this" and then go sit at the computer because I barely have the energy to keep my eyes open and stay awake.
  Today I'm determined to look at that ridiculous pile of laundry and say "I can do this!" and get it done!
  God wouldn't have created me to be a homemaker if I couldn't do it successfully.  That's something I'll have to remind myself of a LOT in the weeks to come--but eventually it'll be something that I won't have to make an effort to do.  It'll come naturally.

  ~Alexis