Empowering A

 We have added dairy/casein back into A's diet to see how it affects her now.  I geared up for the worst and even saw my doctor about an anxiety med for me.
  The first few days she mentioned several physical ailments returning (tummy aches and being tired were the two big ones).  I was still preparing myself for a nightmarish couple of weeks.
  Much to my surprise the first week went by and she handled herself very well!  There were a few times when I could tell she was over stimulated and she got upset, but she never had a big meltdown.
  I have been so very proud of her!  We've been off schedule and she and Bug spent a weekend with their Nonny and she has been amazing!

  Today I was able to give myself a pat on the back.

  Yesterday morning while we brushing her hair she started to meltdown, but she was able to stop herself.  She looked at me and calmly said "Mommy, can I push you over?"
  Let me insert this: that's a game we play where I crouch down and we put our palms together and she pushes against me...eventually I let her push me over and we give each other a big bear hug.  This helps give her a decent amount of proprioceptive input and helps her system to sort of reset so she's not so overloaded.
  Wow!  She asked?  Calmly?  At 5:45 in the morning?
  So she pushed me over and was fantastic after that!  As we walked to the bus stop I asked her how her morning was.  She gave it 2 thumbs up.  She said she decided she needed to push me over so she could calm down.
  Seriously, who is this kid?

  This evening after dinner she ran in and jumped on the trampoline and as she was jumping she told me her tummy hurt so she thought she'd try the trampoline.  She also said that if the trampoline didn't work that she'd try pushing me over.
  This problem solving and coming up with Her Own solution (not to mention thinking through several ideas vs. just one!) is amazing for me to see.
  When I see her doing something thoughtful for someone else (which is becoming a common occurrence instead of something she is coached through from time to time ), finding her own solutions to problems, and coaching herself through a moment of sensory overload makes my heart swell with pride for her!
  I also realize that I am doing a stinkin' good job at this parenting gig!  I may not be perfect, but I am trying.  I am doing what I think is best for my kiddos.  I am succeeding.  And my kids are thriving!
  That makes this momma happy!

  ~Alexis

My Relationship With Me

  I decided to delve a bit deeper into a homework handout I received at my group therapy meeting a few months ago.
  I made a lot of comments in the margins, but have been avoiding fleshing them out more.  I have been thinking about it a lot lately and decided there's no time like the present to dig in a bit.
  So here we go.
  The handout is called "Skills in Relationships: Staying Safe and Being True to Yourself."
  As I was reading about trauma survivors who are re victimized by relationships with others because that's all they know, I was reminded how incredibly blessed I am.  As I read on, I found myself understanding the logic behind revictimization.  Thankfully I didn't feel any of it applied to me.  I might be at risk for revistimization statistically because I've suffered trauma in the past, but I am in the minority and have not fallen prey to this.
  So when I read the following excerpt and found myself relating 100%, I was intrigued.

       "In an effort to stay safe from emotional or physical harm, we may stop calling our friends, stop doing things we used to enjoy....Despite our best intentions many of these behaviors prevent us from fully engaging    in our lives."

  I find that I am not avoiding the physical harm, but the emotional pain.  I withdraw, I feel that I have missed out on life because I was distracted.  I lose interest in hobbies, become depressed and withdrawn and in the process of trying to protect myself, I am actually robbing myself of doing things I enjoy and even the chance to learn by making mistakes.
  More and more of what I read made sense and felt more personal.
  But I'm not in an abusive relationship emotionally or physically.  I have a wonderful husband.  I have an great best friend.  I have set boundaries with Mom in order to make that a healthier relationship.
  Then I had a thought.  Who do I say "yes" to all the time?  There's a person who can talk negatively to me and I take it without question.  Who do I allow to push my boundaries over and over (more emotional than physical)?
  Me.
  My relationship with myself is unhealthy.
  Huh.  I'm not really a person I can cut out of my own life, so it looks like I get to learn how to treat myself.  How to give myself (and allow myself to accept) the respect I deserve.
  Well, that sounds like a tall order.  Doable, but challenging.

  So here's to better days with Me in the future!

  ~Alexis

Positivity!

  I've been struggling a LOT lately.
  I've been dealing with more anxiety/panic.
  I even had to cancel having company last weekend because I couldn't get my act together and clean the house.
  I'm hosting an event this weekend.  At my house. Re-scheduling is not an option.  Monday I was doing ok, but then yesterday I started slowing down and today was basically at a standstill.
  Bleh!
  So this morning as I sat on the couch trying to decide whether I wanted to sleep or force myself to be *productive* (which would have resulted in me wandering aimlessly through the house until I convinced myself to just give in and sleep), I decided to spend some time in prayer.  When I was done, a brilliant realization hit me:  I haven't been exercising like I need to.  A little goes a long way for me, so I jumped on the trampoline for 5 minutes and already felt better.
   I was more clear-headed and my mood was brighter.
   I was able to come up with a game plan for the first part of my day and got going!
   I also found my thoughts became more positive and clearer.  I began to remind myself that while cleaning is a struggle for me, I am a good mother and wife.  I have maintained a casein-free diet for A for almost 3 months and have also made her gluten free for 2 weeks.  Gluten was VERY intimidating for me, so for me to stick with it is Awesome--and it doesn't help that A's favorite foods are Full of gluten.  Again, for me to be firm and make the commitment is Amazing!
  I should be proud of that!
  I have also been focusing on my marriage.  Don't get me wrong, the Hubby and I have a really good relationship, but it's still easy for him to get put on hold because I have two rather demanding kiddos!  However, making sure I do things for him, no matter how small, helps keep that relationship strong and I have been making the effort to do just that.

  So, while this is probably painfully obvious to you, I have a hard time seeing that being a good wife and mother goes deeper than the amount of time I spend cleaning.
  This is certainly a blog post I can refer to later! It's a good reminder to me, as well as anyone else who struggles with the same negative thoughts about self worth.

  ~Alexis

Finding "Me"

  Whew, so, naturally lots has been happening.  I've been busy processing life, doing "self work" and keeping up with my daily activities.
  A few weeks ago I got a really helpful homework handout at one of my Group Therapy sessions.
  It's called "Finding Your True Self" and so far it's taken me two separate sittings to read it, and I'm still not done.  There's lots of info in it, and I find myself getting sleepy...which I have discovered means I need to take a mental break from things (unless, of course, there's a physical reason I should be tired).
  It made such a positive impact on me, that I found myself writing poetry!  Now, obviously I love to write, but I have Never been interested in poetry.  The meanings of the poems always had to be very obvious in order for me to understand them, and I had no interest in writing any.
  However, one day I was resting and found myself thinking about the "Me" I was meant to be.  I am quite a creative person, I tend to be more optimistic now, I'm pretty funny, am very passionate, etc.  As I was consciously, mindfully relaxing my body I found myself composing a poem.
  I found so much freedom in being able to come up with My Own (positive) adjectives to describe myself!

  What a liberating moment!  As I spent the following days focusing on that, I noticed I was happier!  I felt happier, I was more productive, my family was happier, I felt more in control, etc.  It was amazing.
  Then, as life goes, I was bombarded on an emotional front.
  As I "dealt" I realized I was beginning to withdraw and dissociate.  Ugh!
  But I picked up my handout again and guess what it covered next??  Dissociation!
  It was incredibly helpful and insightful.

  As the handout goes on, though, it gets deeper.  The only "problem" with that is it requires more time and focus and I find myself getting tired quicker because I'm emotionally spent.  Blah!
  The Self is discussed on three levels: the self as awareness, self as context, and the observing self.  This last one is one that I am struggling with--I've discovered I've unintentionally fragmented my Self.

  The idea is to come to the realization that there is a part of us that is the same throughout our lives.  The "Me" who was once an infant, grew to be the "Me" at age 5, and is the same "Me" now.  Obviously things change: physical appearance, philosophies, etc.  But there has to be something that remains the same, or else there's nothing keeping Me, Me (I told you it got deep!).

   Well, here's the rub.  As I thought more about it, I realized that it doesn't seem like the garbage/trauma I experienced as a child really happened to me.  I'm far enough removed from it now, that it seems surreal.  However, deep down (must be my Observer Self kicking it up) I know it did happen to me.  Unfortunately it's like I've divided myself into thirds: my childhood, my young adulthood and me now.  Instead of keeping the fluidity and cohesiveness of life going, I've chopped it up.  As a result I slip into these episodes of dissociation and I have never realized my True self.

  I certainly have things to think about, and I have about three more handouts to work through.  Yay!

  ~Alexis

Depression

  One thing I've discovered about depression: life goes on.
  While I try to stay off the couch and not sleep my life away and while I struggle to re-train myself on how to think, there's a world out there and it keeps going.

  On the down side, that only compounds my issues.  Now not only do I have my chores to keep up with, but I've got this disgusting depression to work through and kids and a husband to keep up with.
  People can only be understanding for so long.  This last time I struggled for a week--I can only imagine if I'm this tired of feeling down and like I'm not accomplishing much, how the other people in my life must feel.  Especially when the upkeep of my house reflects that.  It's got to be exhausting.  And frustrating.  And annoying.  And about a thousand other negative adjectives.

  On the positive side:  I have motivation to keep me going.  If life just stood still, or if no one depended on me, then why would I keep on?
  As it happens, I have a 3 year old to potty train, a 5 year old to help navigate life, a house to clean, a business to run and there's lots of fun to be had in life.

  I have been reminded how well my husband and I work together.  He's very understanding and helpful, but it seems that his patience runs out at the perfect time.  He and I had a great talk last week and it was really the kick in the booty that I needed to get up and get going.
  So, this week, while I'm feeling a bit more detached, I am at least accomplishing Lots!  If I can't feel *real* I'd much rather be able to keep up with my chores and duties in life than fall behind in that part of my life too.
  As I have learned over the years of dealing with dissociation, I will feel better eventually so I may as well keep truckin' on.


  ~Alexis

Insight

  We've been struggling with  A's SPD again.  It's gotten pretty severe.  There are foods she's cut out of her diet (which was pretty limited before), clothes she used to wear but won't anymore, we're having problems with her socks and shoes again, she's becoming less and less independent.
  So I started searching for answers.  Again.  About this time last year I read "What Your Explosive Child is Trying to Tell You" and it struck a nerve.  It was then that I realized that transitions were a Huge trigger for A.  From there, around the first of the year I stumbled upon Sensory Processing Disorder and things fell into place.  A's life made sense now that I had this understanding of what she seemed to be experiencing.
  Now I'm looking seriously into food sensitivities and how they may be affecting A's behaviors.

  Whew, it's hard for me to look at the casein-free diet and not start to panic!  My grocery budget is small.  Specialty foods are expensive.  What will be left for A to eat?  And there are loads of other concerns, questions, etc.

  There are many times when I think A would have been better off with other parents.  Me, really?  The queen of disorganization?  The antithesis of structure?  Yeah, ok--A and I make a great team [please read that with heavy sarcasm].
  However, I have been reminded over the past few days that God really knows what He's doing.
  I also had a bit of insight as to why he may have given me A (or given her me).

  You see, some people can understand things with one explanation.  For others the learning curve is a bit longer.  Others still, have to be beaten over the head repeatedly before some things really sink in.
  I'm pretty sure that the majority of the time I fall into the latter category.
  In this case I'm thinking I've been blessed with A in order to force me to see that I am not a selfish person.  I have accepted structure and rigid routine in order to make my daughter's life better.  Even though the idea of doing a casein-free diet for A makes my stomach twist into knots, I'm still going to give it my all in order to see if it will help A.
  My actions are not motivated by selfishness, but by a deep love for another human being.  And that feels good.
  So when I start to get down about all the changes I've had to make in my life and start to think "Really?  I 'get' to make even more changes after all I've already done?!" I can remind myself that God would not have blessed me with the beautiful daughter that I have if I couldn't handle her and make her life better!  I can also look at my daughter and have a constant reminder that I am not a selfish person, no matter what anyone says.

  ~Alexis

A Fine Line

  Today I had my second appointment with my new therapist.
  Let me start by saying that my attitude going into my first one with her a week ago was not one of excitement.  My favorite phrase was "You do Not mess with a depressed (or otherwise emotionally/mentally disturbed) person's therapist!"  However, due to some changes in insurance, I was forced to say good-bye to Deb--my favorite therapist thus far.
  Surprisingly enough, my first appointment with Jeanine was "ok," while I was a bit disappointed in the outcome of the session (as in, I felt worse than when I went in), I was not directing my annoyance toward Jeanine.  I was able to see that she is competent at her job and will suffice as replacement for Deb.
  I did make another appointment with Jeanine for today, and I wasn't sure I was going to keep it, but I did.  And, I say this grudgingly, I'm glad I did.
  We touched on something at the very end of the session that I think will be incredibly hard to deal with and work through, but I'm confident that I will be a happier person on the other side.  So, not only am I now going to group therapy next week (which I was ADAMANTLY against in the beginning), but I have a third appointment with her next Friday.
  That brings me to the title of my post.
  Thanks to Jeanine (and I say that with appreciation, not bitterness) I was able to see that perhaps I have a "core belief" that was instilled in me as a child and it's going to be a process to overcome it, but it is possible. As Jeanine put it, I am on a precipice.  Not one I'm going to fall off of in a depressed stupor, but one that I will be able to spread my wings and eventually fly away from.
  I have a suspicion I know what my negative (and for some, it's a positive one) core belief is, however, that will be material for another post.
  My focus for now is that it boils down to the way my mom cared for me.  Something I was conditioned to believe through implicit behaviors/actions on her part, as well as explicit words that were spoken.
  While I feel that I have truly forgiven Mom for the things that happened in my childhood, and harbor no more bitterness towards her, I was reminded that damage was done.  And, now I get to work hard to overcome all that garbage.
  On my drive home, I realized there is a fine line between blaming someone and making excuses for them.  It's called Acceptance.
  I found myself not wanting to blame Mom for the money and tears I am spending on fixing all this--that just makes room for bitterness to creep back in.  But then I started thinking "she couldn't help it" and that just irritated me. People used to say that to me all the time when I was growing up and it made me so mad!  She could help it if she wanted--there were doctors and therapists who could have helped her, but she never sought them out.  And there I went back to blaming her for the consequences of her actions/inaction.
  So, which end should I lean toward?  Which was "healthiest"?  Neither, of course.
  I realized I needed to accept the fact that yes, the things Mom said and did (or didn't do or say) affect me now.  And, while she could have done things different, she didn't--whether she couldn't or just wouldn't doesn't really matter.
  However, as I demonstrated above, that line called Acceptance that separates blame and excusing is a very thin one and will be easy to find myself trying to cross it as I work on this next step to bettering my mental health.
  Wish me luck!  I will be going to my appointments next week with mixed feelings: excitement, relief, and dread.
  I'm also happy to say that Jeanine will be a good addition to my support team.


  ~Alexis