Since the beginning of the year I've been struggling with staying on top of things.
We were travelling, then we were sick, then we got snowed in, then my babysitting schedule/daily routine was changed.
So, basically, Life happened.
I adapted. Ok, I adapted-ish. I just had such a hard time getting my feet back under me.
As I mentioned in my post, Depression, life goes on. It doesn't wait for one to feel better. The house still needs to be cleaned, the kids still need help with chores/activities, there are still meals to be cooked, etc.
So I saw my therapist a few weeks ago. As usual I didn't have anything in particular to discuss. I was feeling down, and I knew a session with her would help me flesh out the issues that were bothering me. I also knew it would leave me with things to think about. I knew ultimately the appointment would help me feel better.
We have discussed many times that I struggle when A struggles. I can handle the meltdowns and all the "extras" that help make life bearable for A, but eventually I reach a point where I can't rebound.
That's where an appointment with Jeanine comes in to play.
As we were talking, I came to a harsh realization: my subconscious viewed raising A as a traumatic event.
I certainly don't want to continue on this path. I've been making pointed effort to make our relationship one of love and trust. How can I see my precious daughter as trauma?
Well, the definition of a traumatic emotional event is: damage caused by a severely distressing event.
That helps put it into perspective a bit. Keeping that in mind, it makes sense that my subconscious would default to that. Meltdowns are hard to endure, especially when we do it several times in a day.
I'm not ok with that, though. Yes, raising a special-needs kiddo is stressful. Yes, enduring meltdowns time after time after time is exhausting. Yes I'm at risk for depression. Yes, it's hard raising kids (no matter how easy their personalities are).
BUT, raising a special-needs kid is also rewarding. Meltdowns can be helpful. I have great tools to beat the depression. Raising kids is also fun!
So, re-training my subconscious won't be easy. But it is doable.
In the meantime I'll be praying and working to overcome this default setting of mine.