It's been a bit since I've written. I seem to go in spurts.
As usual, life hasn't slowed down at all.
Lately my time has been consumed with A and trying to figure out the best route to take in getting her what she needs.
She was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder 3 weeks ago by a child psychiatrist. The naive peace that I had in finally having answers lasted about 5 days (I was preoccupied with a few other things, or else the realization would probably have hit me sooner).
Then I started researching our new diagnosis and suggested treatment plan (medication only, no counseling). I decided I wasn't completely on board with the psychiatrist.
We have a follow up appointment tomorrow (one of many, I'm sure), and this time I have lots of questions. And so does A. She and I have been talking about the "ornery brain" that tries to trick her into being scared/anxious when she really doesn't have to be.
She wants to know how the yucky feelings get into her tummy, so we talked a bit about serotonin and where it lives (our brains and our tummies) and how when it doesn't work with our bodies the way it should that can cause our tummies and even our heads to hurt.
Today, however, was a bit harder. Her behaviors have been worse in some respects. When she struggles, I begin to struggle--it's hard enough for me to give myself the emotional support I need and now I get to provide for myself and my daughter? It's quite draining.
But today, not only was I dealing with that, but I was also dealing with the new realization that things won't ever be easier. They'll be different, and they may plateau occasionally...but we're never going to reach that place where we can all sit back and relax and say "ah, we finally have All the answers and can quit digging and searching."
That was insanely exhausting.
I am fully confident that A can overcome this anxiety, but it takes work. Not only work on her end, but we have to be able to support her, too. It's never ending. Situations change. Strategies change.
Of course I'm in it for the long haul, but just about every day for the past 2 weeks I've found myself thinking that I just need to go on vacation, or freeze time so I can have a time out. I just need a break. The problem is, even if I were to get a break soon, I would be in desperate need in a month or so.
Bug has also hit a challenging phase in his 3 1/2 year old life and has been demanding a lot of my time and emotional energy too.
So, we all know that I like to find the silver lining in things, Especially tough situations. Today's silver lining? Everything I've been reading about helping A reduce her anxiety is also helping me learn how to re-train My thinking! One less thing for me to research =)