A Dark Day

  Ok, so yesterday was not good.
  Two posts ago I mentioned a whole bunch of "stuff" that I've been dealing with and going through.  After this past weekend I've got some more things to add to that list.  As a result, my depression has been laying it on thick.  I've known I need to make a 6 month mental tune-up appointment with my therapist and I finally got the ball rolling on all that.  I have an appointment this Friday.  Let me tell ya, yesterday I was beginning to wonder if I was going to make it until today, let alone Friday!

  The good news: I made it to today and I feel better.  Whew!

  The kids have been sick.  I've been sick.  We've been off schedule.  A's had some SPD-related issues.  Our schedule has been pretty packed.  The last few days I've needed a break from being a mommy for a while.
  It caught up to me yesterday.
  Let's start with this side note: I went to be the night before at 8:30--I should have had plenty of sleep.  Monday morning I got up and got Hubby's lunch made and A off to school.  I came home and went back to sleep.  I slept Hard!  I had very vivid dreams and had a hard time getting up and collecting myself when Bug got up at 8:20!  I was feeling pretty scattered, but had planned to walk with my bestie and so Bug and I got ready and went.
  Usually walking helps wake me up and get going.  Not yesterday. I basically spent the remainder of the day dozing from one activity to another.  Bug watched some more TV and only when A got off the bus did I remember I had a parent/teacher conference with A's teacher at 4:15.
  Her teacher was lucky I didn't show up in my PJs with my hair all messy--I was able to muster the strength to pull it together and make myself presentable.  Barely.

  I was so tired, I could barely keep my eyes open.
  Yesterday I knew I was miserable.  Today I have a better perspective and realize how much worse it was than I realized.
  Thankfully I Rarely have days like that--but when I do, I'm not so sure I should drive or be responsible for anyone (myself included).

  Ok, so where's the silver lining?  I don't like to leave a post on a negative note, if I can help it.
  The positive:

• I have a great support system to lean and depend on when need be(which seems to be a lot, as of late).
• I made it to today!
• I feel better, not worse.
• I was able to enjoy time with Bug today playing Superheroes, trains and exploring the basement.  I wouldn't have earmarked the time to spend with him if yesterday had been better.
• I was able to reorganize my priorities a bit and cancel the yard sale I had scheduled for this weekend.
• I have great coping strategies and am capable of using them without a second thought, most of the time now.

  Here's hoping that my next post can be a funny one!

  ~Alexis

A Little Humor

  Ok, so I thought I'd throw a funny post in after that rather heavy one about my uncle.

    Our laptop decided it'd have a little fun and get a virus.  I suppose that was partly our fault since we didn't renew our anti-virus software in a timely fashion, any who...We were a little annoyed and it came up during a conversation with a new acquaintance who just so happens to be an IT guy for Wal-Mart.  His wife volunteered him to take a peek at our HP and, naturally we accepted.
    A month or so went by and then I got a phone call.  My friend, we'll call her Rachel, was calling to tell me that their house was broken into and our laptop was among the things stolen.
    Seriously???  You have Got to be kidding me, right?  What are the odds that our laptop is at someone else's house and gets stolen?  Apparently pretty high!

    Of course, the humor doesn't stop there.
    I decided to start a new business and while I thought a computer would be nice, I decided my iPod would suffice until Rachel and her husband got the insurance money and we could get our laptop replaced.
    What was I thinking?

    An iPod...to place orders.

    Go ahead and keep laughing.

    It was the last day of September 2012, a night I will remember well.  I started working on closing out my last party at 6:45--well before the midnight deadline.  I sat tapping away furiously at the cute little iPod--I even gave myself a head start by getting some things entered the day before.  Lo and behold when I tapped "submit" I got a neat little alert that said "the amount exceeds your balance." I assumed it had something to do with our bank account (that's how I pay for the parties, but they don't take it out of the account for 48 hours--so I should have been fine) and thought: "of course it does--we have no money because my husband HAS NO JOB!"
    I finally called my sponsor at 11:55 and then started crying when she regrettably said it was too late.  I was so upset, I cried SO hard my eyes were bloodshot and I had snot dripping from my nose.  I was certainly a sight--a very disgusting, pathetic sight.  I was so upset was because there were some really good deals that my hostess and a few guests weren't going to be able to get because of this alert.
    The ironic thing:  my sponsor, as well as the tech she talked to the next day, had never seen that alert before!  What a time for a bizarre fluke.
    It all ended just fine--I have an amazing sponsor who helped get things taken care of.  And now I can look back and laugh at how silly I must have looked trying to tap all the info on my iPod's little 2x3" screen.

  ~Alexis

Change

    In my last post I mentioned that my uncle passed away over the summer.
    My side of the family is Very small: just me, my mom, my aunt (who is actually my cousin's step-mom.  Their mom died 10 years ago from alcoholism) and uncle and two cousins.
    I got a call early one morning, my oldest cousin was hysterical as she told me that her step-mom just called and said her dad had passed away.
    I had the unpleasant task of driving to my mom's apartment and telling her the news.  Her only brother--only sibling for that matter.  The only guy in our family.  The only other person from her generation.  I knew the next few days were going to be long.
    Mom took it hard at first, but was able to settle down rather quickly, and for that I was thankful.
    I found myself being the rock for my small, grieving family over the next week. It was a role I didn't mind playing.  Yes, my family is small--but small doesn't always mean close.  I loved my uncle, but our relationship was an interesting one.  When I was small, I was terrified of him (not really sure why, he just made me feel off kilter).  When I got older, I felt I had to earn his respect.  Then, over the past 5 years we had slowly created a good relationship.
    He had actually come down for my birthday last spring and he and I spent the day together and then we had a cookout at the house.  That was one of my last memories of him, and I'm thankful it was a positive one.  So many of my experiences with him over the years were full of drama, half-truths, and unnecessary conflict.
    I had no idea that I'd be affected so deeply by my cousin's phone call about and my mom's reaction to his passing.  I found myself reliving those conversations over the weeks that followed his death and it was hard.  A even talked about missing him and was sad that he would never get to see her ride her bike without training wheels.  When we first told the kids, A was so sad--I must say I wasn't expecting that.  Sure she knew him, and had memories of him, but her reaction still caught me off guard.  Thankfully Bug is too small to really understand, watching A deal with it was hard enough for me.
    Yes, I miss my uncle and I am convinced the world will not be the same without him, but I have the comfort of knowing that in the end our relationship was as good as it could have been.  The family dynamic has certainly been altered tremendously and will never be the same, but we'll figure it out and we'll make it work.

  ~Alexis

The Optimist in Me

  Whew, so it's been about 7 months since I've blogged.  Of course there's a reason beyond "I just didn't make time" and there's no doubt those issues will be scattered throughout future posts.
  For now, however, I would love to give a "brief" overview.
  Are ya ready?  Good, 'cause here we go:  Hubby was laid off 6 months ago.  A started kindergarten.  Our computer had a virus and while a friend had it to look at and hopefully fix it, their house was broken into and our laptop was among the items stolen (it had most of Bug's baby pictures on it and most of the book I had started writing).  I started an SPD support group.  My only biological uncle passed away unexpectedly in August.  My mom got evicted from her apartment.  A's SPD meltdowns have skyrocketed and she started eliminating foods that she deemed acceptable to eat (it was already a limited list, to begin with).  I started a business with a company called Celebrating Home.  Hubby and I started cleaning our congregation's Church house. Hubby got a job after being laid off for 6 months, but his new job is rather demanding time-wise.  One of my cousins is expecting and now has to deal with the recent loss of her dad (my cousins lost their mom about 10 years ago).  My depression has flared up off and on, and so has the anxiety.
  Well, I think that's about everything.
  Looking over that list it's hard to believe it all occurred in 6 months!
  There were certainly times when I felt like things couldn't get any worse.  There were times when I wasn't stressed and I thought I should be.  There were times when all I wanted to do was sleep!
  I find myself counting my blessings frequently.  When my uncle passed away I was glad that financial stress was all we had to deal with.
  When A has her meltdowns now, I can look back and remember a time in her life when the meltdowns were worse and I was at a loss and had no strategies to help us through them.
  When I think about the sentimental things we lost on the computer, I remind myself that one day--in eternity-- they won't matter, so I try not to focus on that.
  We have several means of income and while they're not ideal, they're what we have and we're thankful for that.
  So, while things aren't exactly what we would have chosen, we have each other, we have our health and we have an amazing support group and for that we will forever be grateful!
  It seems that I can over come my natural "instinct" for negative thinking--it takes a bit of work and a change in perspective--but it is possible.
  Yay!

  ~Alexis