Welcome to My Corner of the World

I hope you find humor, inspiration and something worthwhile on this blog. I plan to be as candid as possible. Life is hard. I know, I've overcome a lot (and still have a way to go).
It doesn't help others if the rough things are glossed over.

I will no doubt fill this blog with stories of my achievements as a mom as well as my personal struggles.

I have an incredible husband whom I call "my sanity." I have two great kids with strong personalities. I struggle with anxiety and depression and I have had a colorful childhood.

I also have an addiction to Gilmore Girls, A&W Cream Soda, and Starbucks peppermint mocha.
I have recently added biking to my list of hobbies and also love to read, knit, and play tennis.

Welcome to my little corner of the world!

Wednesday, November 21, 2012


  One thing I've discovered about depression: life goes on.
  While I try to stay off the couch and not sleep my life away and while I struggle to re-train myself on how to think, there's a world out there and it keeps going.

  On the down side, that only compounds my issues.  Now not only do I have my chores to keep up with, but I've got this disgusting depression to work through and kids and a husband to keep up with.
  People can only be understanding for so long.  This last time I struggled for a week--I can only imagine if I'm this tired of feeling down and like I'm not accomplishing much, how the other people in my life must feel.  Especially when the upkeep of my house reflects that.  It's got to be exhausting.  And frustrating.  And annoying.  And about a thousand other negative adjectives.

  On the positive side:  I have motivation to keep me going.  If life just stood still, or if no one depended on me, then why would I keep on?
  As it happens, I have a 3 year old to potty train, a 5 year old to help navigate life, a house to clean, a business to run and there's lots of fun to be had in life.

  I have been reminded how well my husband and I work together.  He's very understanding and helpful, but it seems that his patience runs out at the perfect time.  He and I had a great talk last week and it was really the kick in the booty that I needed to get up and get going.
  So, this week, while I'm feeling a bit more detached, I am at least accomplishing Lots!  If I can't feel *real* I'd much rather be able to keep up with my chores and duties in life than fall behind in that part of my life too.
  As I have learned over the years of dealing with dissociation, I will feel better eventually so I may as well keep truckin' on.


Saturday, November 3, 2012


  We've been struggling with  A's SPD again.  It's gotten pretty severe.  There are foods she's cut out of her diet (which was pretty limited before), clothes she used to wear but won't anymore, we're having problems with her socks and shoes again, she's becoming less and less independent.
  So I started searching for answers.  Again.  About this time last year I read "What Your Explosive Child is Trying to Tell You" and it struck a nerve.  It was then that I realized that transitions were a Huge trigger for A.  From there, around the first of the year I stumbled upon Sensory Processing Disorder and things fell into place.  A's life made sense now that I had this understanding of what she seemed to be experiencing.
  Now I'm looking seriously into food sensitivities and how they may be affecting A's behaviors.

  Whew, it's hard for me to look at the casein-free diet and not start to panic!  My grocery budget is small.  Specialty foods are expensive.  What will be left for A to eat?  And there are loads of other concerns, questions, etc.

  There are many times when I think A would have been better off with other parents.  Me, really?  The queen of disorganization?  The antithesis of structure?  Yeah, ok--A and I make a great team [please read that with heavy sarcasm].
  However, I have been reminded over the past few days that God really knows what He's doing.
  I also had a bit of insight as to why he may have given me A (or given her me).

  You see, some people can understand things with one explanation.  For others the learning curve is a bit longer.  Others still, have to be beaten over the head repeatedly before some things really sink in.
  I'm pretty sure that the majority of the time I fall into the latter category.
  In this case I'm thinking I've been blessed with A in order to force me to see that I am not a selfish person.  I have accepted structure and rigid routine in order to make my daughter's life better.  Even though the idea of doing a casein-free diet for A makes my stomach twist into knots, I'm still going to give it my all in order to see if it will help A.
  My actions are not motivated by selfishness, but by a deep love for another human being.  And that feels good.
  So when I start to get down about all the changes I've had to make in my life and start to think "Really?  I 'get' to make even more changes after all I've already done?!" I can remind myself that God would not have blessed me with the beautiful daughter that I have if I couldn't handle her and make her life better!  I can also look at my daughter and have a constant reminder that I am not a selfish person, no matter what anyone says.


Friday, November 2, 2012

A Fine Line

  Today I had my second appointment with my new therapist.
  Let me start by saying that my attitude going into my first one with her a week ago was not one of excitement.  My favorite phrase was "You do Not mess with a depressed (or otherwise emotionally/mentally disturbed) person's therapist!"  However, due to some changes in insurance, I was forced to say good-bye to Deb--my favorite therapist thus far.
  Surprisingly enough, my first appointment with Jeanine was "ok," while I was a bit disappointed in the outcome of the session (as in, I felt worse than when I went in), I was not directing my annoyance toward Jeanine.  I was able to see that she is competent at her job and will suffice as replacement for Deb.
  I did make another appointment with Jeanine for today, and I wasn't sure I was going to keep it, but I did.  And, I say this grudgingly, I'm glad I did.
  We touched on something at the very end of the session that I think will be incredibly hard to deal with and work through, but I'm confident that I will be a happier person on the other side.  So, not only am I now going to group therapy next week (which I was ADAMANTLY against in the beginning), but I have a third appointment with her next Friday.
  That brings me to the title of my post.
  Thanks to Jeanine (and I say that with appreciation, not bitterness) I was able to see that perhaps I have a "core belief" that was instilled in me as a child and it's going to be a process to overcome it, but it is possible. As Jeanine put it, I am on a precipice.  Not one I'm going to fall off of in a depressed stupor, but one that I will be able to spread my wings and eventually fly away from.
  I have a suspicion I know what my negative (and for some, it's a positive one) core belief is, however, that will be material for another post.
  My focus for now is that it boils down to the way my mom cared for me.  Something I was conditioned to believe through implicit behaviors/actions on her part, as well as explicit words that were spoken.
  While I feel that I have truly forgiven Mom for the things that happened in my childhood, and harbor no more bitterness towards her, I was reminded that damage was done.  And, now I get to work hard to overcome all that garbage.
  On my drive home, I realized there is a fine line between blaming someone and making excuses for them.  It's called Acceptance.
  I found myself not wanting to blame Mom for the money and tears I am spending on fixing all this--that just makes room for bitterness to creep back in.  But then I started thinking "she couldn't help it" and that just irritated me. People used to say that to me all the time when I was growing up and it made me so mad!  She could help it if she wanted--there were doctors and therapists who could have helped her, but she never sought them out.  And there I went back to blaming her for the consequences of her actions/inaction.
  So, which end should I lean toward?  Which was "healthiest"?  Neither, of course.
  I realized I needed to accept the fact that yes, the things Mom said and did (or didn't do or say) affect me now.  And, while she could have done things different, she didn't--whether she couldn't or just wouldn't doesn't really matter.
  However, as I demonstrated above, that line called Acceptance that separates blame and excusing is a very thin one and will be easy to find myself trying to cross it as I work on this next step to bettering my mental health.
  Wish me luck!  I will be going to my appointments next week with mixed feelings: excitement, relief, and dread.
  I'm also happy to say that Jeanine will be a good addition to my support team.