Welcome to My Corner of the World

I hope you find humor, inspiration and something worthwhile on this blog. I plan to be as candid as possible. Life is hard. I know, I've overcome a lot (and still have a way to go).
It doesn't help others if the rough things are glossed over.

I will no doubt fill this blog with stories of my achievements as a mom as well as my personal struggles.

I have an incredible husband whom I call "my sanity." I have two great kids with strong personalities. I struggle with anxiety and depression and I have had a colorful childhood.

I also have an addiction to Gilmore Girls, A&W Cream Soda, and Starbucks peppermint mocha.
I have recently added biking to my list of hobbies and also love to read, knit, and play tennis.

Welcome to my little corner of the world!

Monday, December 24, 2012

Finding "Me"

  Whew, so, naturally lots has been happening.  I've been busy processing life, doing "self work" and keeping up with my daily activities.
  A few weeks ago I got a really helpful homework handout at one of my Group Therapy sessions.
  It's called "Finding Your True Self" and so far it's taken me two separate sittings to read it, and I'm still not done.  There's lots of info in it, and I find myself getting sleepy...which I have discovered means I need to take a mental break from things (unless, of course, there's a physical reason I should be tired).
  It made such a positive impact on me, that I found myself writing poetry!  Now, obviously I love to write, but I have Never been interested in poetry.  The meanings of the poems always had to be very obvious in order for me to understand them, and I had no interest in writing any.
  However, one day I was resting and found myself thinking about the "Me" I was meant to be.  I am quite a creative person, I tend to be more optimistic now, I'm pretty funny, am very passionate, etc.  As I was consciously, mindfully relaxing my body I found myself composing a poem.
  I found so much freedom in being able to come up with My Own (positive) adjectives to describe myself!

  What a liberating moment!  As I spent the following days focusing on that, I noticed I was happier!  I felt happier, I was more productive, my family was happier, I felt more in control, etc.  It was amazing.
  Then, as life goes, I was bombarded on an emotional front.
  As I "dealt" I realized I was beginning to withdraw and dissociate.  Ugh!
  But I picked up my handout again and guess what it covered next??  Dissociation!
  It was incredibly helpful and insightful.

  As the handout goes on, though, it gets deeper.  The only "problem" with that is it requires more time and focus and I find myself getting tired quicker because I'm emotionally spent.  Blah!
  The Self is discussed on three levels: the self as awareness, self as context, and the observing self.  This last one is one that I am struggling with--I've discovered I've unintentionally fragmented my Self.

  The idea is to come to the realization that there is a part of us that is the same throughout our lives.  The "Me" who was once an infant, grew to be the "Me" at age 5, and is the same "Me" now.  Obviously things change: physical appearance, philosophies, etc.  But there has to be something that remains the same, or else there's nothing keeping Me, Me (I told you it got deep!).

   Well, here's the rub.  As I thought more about it, I realized that it doesn't seem like the garbage/trauma I experienced as a child really happened to me.  I'm far enough removed from it now, that it seems surreal.  However, deep down (must be my Observer Self kicking it up) I know it did happen to me.  Unfortunately it's like I've divided myself into thirds: my childhood, my young adulthood and me now.  Instead of keeping the fluidity and cohesiveness of life going, I've chopped it up.  As a result I slip into these episodes of dissociation and I have never realized my True self.

  I certainly have things to think about, and I have about three more handouts to work through.  Yay!