Empowering A

 We have added dairy/casein back into A's diet to see how it affects her now.  I geared up for the worst and even saw my doctor about an anxiety med for me.
  The first few days she mentioned several physical ailments returning (tummy aches and being tired were the two big ones).  I was still preparing myself for a nightmarish couple of weeks.
  Much to my surprise the first week went by and she handled herself very well!  There were a few times when I could tell she was over stimulated and she got upset, but she never had a big meltdown.
  I have been so very proud of her!  We've been off schedule and she and Bug spent a weekend with their Nonny and she has been amazing!

  Today I was able to give myself a pat on the back.

  Yesterday morning while we brushing her hair she started to meltdown, but she was able to stop herself.  She looked at me and calmly said "Mommy, can I push you over?"
  Let me insert this: that's a game we play where I crouch down and we put our palms together and she pushes against me...eventually I let her push me over and we give each other a big bear hug.  This helps give her a decent amount of proprioceptive input and helps her system to sort of reset so she's not so overloaded.
  Wow!  She asked?  Calmly?  At 5:45 in the morning?
  So she pushed me over and was fantastic after that!  As we walked to the bus stop I asked her how her morning was.  She gave it 2 thumbs up.  She said she decided she needed to push me over so she could calm down.
  Seriously, who is this kid?

  This evening after dinner she ran in and jumped on the trampoline and as she was jumping she told me her tummy hurt so she thought she'd try the trampoline.  She also said that if the trampoline didn't work that she'd try pushing me over.
  This problem solving and coming up with Her Own solution (not to mention thinking through several ideas vs. just one!) is amazing for me to see.
  When I see her doing something thoughtful for someone else (which is becoming a common occurrence instead of something she is coached through from time to time ), finding her own solutions to problems, and coaching herself through a moment of sensory overload makes my heart swell with pride for her!
  I also realize that I am doing a stinkin' good job at this parenting gig!  I may not be perfect, but I am trying.  I am doing what I think is best for my kiddos.  I am succeeding.  And my kids are thriving!
  That makes this momma happy!

  ~Alexis

My Relationship With Me

  I decided to delve a bit deeper into a homework handout I received at my group therapy meeting a few months ago.
  I made a lot of comments in the margins, but have been avoiding fleshing them out more.  I have been thinking about it a lot lately and decided there's no time like the present to dig in a bit.
  So here we go.
  The handout is called "Skills in Relationships: Staying Safe and Being True to Yourself."
  As I was reading about trauma survivors who are re victimized by relationships with others because that's all they know, I was reminded how incredibly blessed I am.  As I read on, I found myself understanding the logic behind revictimization.  Thankfully I didn't feel any of it applied to me.  I might be at risk for revistimization statistically because I've suffered trauma in the past, but I am in the minority and have not fallen prey to this.
  So when I read the following excerpt and found myself relating 100%, I was intrigued.

       "In an effort to stay safe from emotional or physical harm, we may stop calling our friends, stop doing things we used to enjoy....Despite our best intentions many of these behaviors prevent us from fully engaging    in our lives."

  I find that I am not avoiding the physical harm, but the emotional pain.  I withdraw, I feel that I have missed out on life because I was distracted.  I lose interest in hobbies, become depressed and withdrawn and in the process of trying to protect myself, I am actually robbing myself of doing things I enjoy and even the chance to learn by making mistakes.
  More and more of what I read made sense and felt more personal.
  But I'm not in an abusive relationship emotionally or physically.  I have a wonderful husband.  I have an great best friend.  I have set boundaries with Mom in order to make that a healthier relationship.
  Then I had a thought.  Who do I say "yes" to all the time?  There's a person who can talk negatively to me and I take it without question.  Who do I allow to push my boundaries over and over (more emotional than physical)?
  Me.
  My relationship with myself is unhealthy.
  Huh.  I'm not really a person I can cut out of my own life, so it looks like I get to learn how to treat myself.  How to give myself (and allow myself to accept) the respect I deserve.
  Well, that sounds like a tall order.  Doable, but challenging.

  So here's to better days with Me in the future!

  ~Alexis

Positivity!

  I've been struggling a LOT lately.
  I've been dealing with more anxiety/panic.
  I even had to cancel having company last weekend because I couldn't get my act together and clean the house.
  I'm hosting an event this weekend.  At my house. Re-scheduling is not an option.  Monday I was doing ok, but then yesterday I started slowing down and today was basically at a standstill.
  Bleh!
  So this morning as I sat on the couch trying to decide whether I wanted to sleep or force myself to be *productive* (which would have resulted in me wandering aimlessly through the house until I convinced myself to just give in and sleep), I decided to spend some time in prayer.  When I was done, a brilliant realization hit me:  I haven't been exercising like I need to.  A little goes a long way for me, so I jumped on the trampoline for 5 minutes and already felt better.
   I was more clear-headed and my mood was brighter.
   I was able to come up with a game plan for the first part of my day and got going!
   I also found my thoughts became more positive and clearer.  I began to remind myself that while cleaning is a struggle for me, I am a good mother and wife.  I have maintained a casein-free diet for A for almost 3 months and have also made her gluten free for 2 weeks.  Gluten was VERY intimidating for me, so for me to stick with it is Awesome--and it doesn't help that A's favorite foods are Full of gluten.  Again, for me to be firm and make the commitment is Amazing!
  I should be proud of that!
  I have also been focusing on my marriage.  Don't get me wrong, the Hubby and I have a really good relationship, but it's still easy for him to get put on hold because I have two rather demanding kiddos!  However, making sure I do things for him, no matter how small, helps keep that relationship strong and I have been making the effort to do just that.

  So, while this is probably painfully obvious to you, I have a hard time seeing that being a good wife and mother goes deeper than the amount of time I spend cleaning.
  This is certainly a blog post I can refer to later! It's a good reminder to me, as well as anyone else who struggles with the same negative thoughts about self worth.

  ~Alexis